Šemsa: "Ja i moj Haso koristimo spiralu. Tako sam najsigurnija."
Zenada: "A ja i moj Ibro koristimo kurtone ili pjenu. Jes vala da moj Ibro manje uživa al` brate, petero djece je više no dovoljno."
Fata: "A ja i moj Mujo koristimo kantu..."
Šemsa: "Kako ba kantu Fato, Alah s tobom ?"
Zenada: "Pa nije ti valjda mindža tolika?!"
Fata: "Ma ne! Pošto je moj Mujo puno niži od mene, tucamo se tako da se Mujo popne na kantu. E, kad vidim da je Mujo počo kolutat očima ja samo kantu opizdim nogom."
Krave
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 07 Oct 2008 at 13:07:35
Otac i sin poveli svoje dvije krave, bijelu i crnu, u susjedno selo da ih bik oplodi.
Kada su stigli, otac ostavi sina da pazi da krave budu
oplođene, a on ode u kavanu na piće.
Nakon pola sata utrčava sin, sav zadihan, u kavanu i reče
ocu: «Tata, da si samo vidio kako je bik jebo bijelu kravu!»
Otac mu opali šamarčinu, istjera ga iz kavane i krene da viče:
»Pa, jesi li ti normalan?! Kako se to izražavaš pred ljudima!
Ne kaže se "bik jebo kravu ", već da ju je "iznenadio"!
Hajd' sad nazad u štalu i pazi što ćeš reći slijedeći put!»
Nakon izvjesnog vremena sin opet utrčava u kavanu:
»Tata, da si sad vidio kako je bik iznenadio crnu kravu!»
A otac, sav ponosan, upita: «Kako, sine?» - «Opet jebo bijelu!!!»
Udvaranje Bosanca
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 14 Jul 2008 at 16:18:38
Jel vjerujes u ljubav na prvi pogled ili trebam opet proc pored tebe?
Oces se jebat samnom, ionak cu svima rec da jesmo!
Poder'o bi te k'o seljak napolitanku.
Mozda nisam najzgodniji tip u ovom disku, ali sam jedini koji razgovara s tobom.
Obleka ti je super, ali jo bolje bi izgledala kao zguzvana hrpa pored mog kreveta.
Mala je ti tata terorist?
-zasto?
-Ispala si prava bomba.
Hoces da se jebemo pa da idemo na burek?
-Neeeeeeeeeeee.
-Sto, ne volis burek?
Imas tako dobru sisu da ti druga i ne treba!
Bas si mi lijepa!
- hvala!
- taman da si prislonim bicikl na tebe.
Ej jel znas mozda kolko je sati???
-1:15h.
-mislim da je vrijeme da se upoznamo.
Istina da mi fali par zuba al' zato ima vise mjesta za tvoj jezik.
Kaj me je naučila moja mama?
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 18 Jun 2008 at 17:42:49
1. Moja mati me je naucila spostovati dobro opravljeno delo: "Ce se mislite pobiti med sabo, naredite to zunaj, stanovanje sem pravkar pocistila!"
2. Moja mati me je naucila religije: "Zdaj pa moli, da bo to slo ven iz preproge!"
3. Moja mati me je naucila osnov potovanja v casu: "Ce ne bos sedel vzravnano, ti bom tako pripeljala, da te bo odneslo tri dni dalec!"
4. Moja mati me je naucila logike: "Zakaj? Zato, ker sem jaz to rekla!"
5. Moja mati me je naucila se vec o logiki: "Ce bos padel iz gugalnice in si zlomil vrat, ne bos sel z mano v trgovino!"
6. Moja mati me je naucila previdnosti: "Vedno nosi cisto perilo- kaj, ce se ti zgodi nesreca!"
7. Moja mati me je naucila osnov ironije: "Ce se bos se naprej drl, se bos imel za kaj dreti!"
8. Moja mati me je naucila osnov osmoze: "Zapri usta in jej!"
9. Moja mati me je naucila ekstremnega zvijanja telesa : "Samo poglej si to umazanijo na svojem vratu!"
10. Moja mati me je naucila potrpljenja: "Tukaj bos sedel, dokler spinaca ne bo izginila!"
11. Moja mati me je naucila meteorologoje: "Tvoja soba je taksna, kot bi skoznjo sel tornado!"
12. Moja mati me je naucila hinavscine: "Ce sem ti povedala enkrat, sem ti povedala milijonkrat. Ne pretiravaj!"
13. Moja mati me je naucila primernega vedenja: "Nehaj se obnasati kot oce!"
14. Moja mati me je naucila zavisti: "Na svetu je na milijone manj srecnih otrok, ki nimajo tako cudovitih starsev kot ti!"
15. Moja mati me je naucila pricakovati: "Samo pocakaj, da pridemo domov!"
16. Moja mati me je naucila o sprejemanju stvari: "Dobil jih bos, ko pridemo domov."
17. Moja mati me je naucila osnov medicinskih znanosti : "Ce ne bos nehal skiliti, ti bodo oci tako ostale!"
18. Moja mati me je naucila vohunjenja: "Obleci si pulover! Mar mislis da ne vem, kdaj ti je hladno?"
19. Moja mati me je naucila humorja: "Ko ti bo kosilnica porezala prste na nogah, nikar ne tekaj za mano!"
20. Moja mati me je naucila, kako odrastes: "Ce ne pojes zelenjave, ne bos nikoli zrasel!"
21. Moja mati me je naucila osnov genetike: "Prav tak si, kot oce."
22. Moja mati me je naucila, da se zavedam svojih korenin: "Zapri vrata za sabo! Mislis, da imas rep?"
23. Moja mati me je naucila modrosti: "Ko bos star toliko kot jaz, bos ze razumel."
Retorična vprašanja
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 08 Apr 2008 at 15:16:37
Zakaj piloti kamikaze nosijo čelade?
Zakaj imajo 24-urne trgovine ključavnice na vratih?
Zakaj moraš klikniti na Start, ko hočeš ugasniti računalnik?
Ali gre za samomor, če te ubije tvoj klon?
Zakaj ne obstaja hrana za mačke z okusom po miših?
Kaj je človek poskušal narediti, ko je odkril, da krava daje mleko?
Če je zunaj 0 stopinj, jutri pa bo 2x hladneje, kolko bo stopinj?
Kakšne barve je Smrkec, ko ga zadaviš?
Zakaj si ljudje naročijo dvojni cheesburger, veliko porcijo pomfrija in kokakolo brez sladkorja?
Kako se table z napisom "Hoja po travi prepovedana" znajdejo sredi zelenice?
Ljubezen v avtu
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 26 Mar 2008 at 10:32:52
Policija v Sarajevu ima zadnje čase polne roke dela z ljubimci v avtu. Za redne patrole na hribu nad reko Miljacko so se odločili po seriji nenavadnih nesreč ...
Hrib je med mladimi zelo priljubljen, saj nekoliko umaknjen iz urbanega okolja dovoljuje mladim parom več privatnosti.
Vroče zbirališče
Ti se v nočnih urah radi zapeljejo s svojim avtomobilom na vrh hriba in predajo strastem – a žal ne brez nevarnosti. Nekajkrat se je namreč že zgodilo, da je avtu, parkiranem navkreber, popustila ročna zavora, v kar nekaj primerih pa je avto čez rob potisnil kar entuziazem razgretih ljubimcev.
...in hladna kopel
Eden zadnjih takšnih dogodkov, ki se je na srečo končal brez hujših posledic, je bila nesreča 22- letnih Sarajevčanov, Rista B. in Sonje P., ki sta tako kot mnogi pred njima parkirala na hribu. V žaru njune strastne ‘igre’ se je avto nenadoma prekucnil čez rob in zdrvel dobrih devet metrov globoko po hribu navzdol, naravnost v reko Miljacko.
Golima zaljubljencema je iz vode pomagal mimoidoči, ki je videl nesrečo ...
The Difference Between Work and Prison
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 20 Mar 2008 at 16:13:50
At PRISON
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
At WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle
At PRISON
You get three meals a day, fully paid for
At WORK
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
At PRISON
For good behavior, you get time off
At WORK
For good behavior, you get more work
At PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
At WORK
You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself
At PRISON
You can watch TV and play games
At WORK
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games
At PRISON
You get your own toilet
At WORK
You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat
At PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit
At WORK
You aren't even supposed to speak to your family
At PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
At WORK
You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
At PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
At WORK
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
At PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens
At WORK
They are called 'managers'
Izumi
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 20 Mar 2008 at 16:09:15
Moski je odkril barve in si izmislil slikarstvo.Zenska je odkrila slikarstvo in si izmislila make up.
Moski je odkril besede in si izmislil pogovor.Zenska je odkrila pogovor in si izmislila brbljanje.
Moski je odkril kmetijstvo in si izmislil prehranjevanje.Zenska je odkrila prehranjevanje in si izmislila dijeto.
Moski je odkril prijateljstvo in si izmislil ljubezen.Zenska je odkrila ljubezen in si izmislila poroko.
Moski je odkril zeno in si izmislil seks.Zenska je odkrila seks in si izmislila migreno.
Moski je odkril delo in si izmislil denar.Zenska je odkrila denar in od takrat dalje je vse .... šlo v k....
Na kratko povedano... vsega so SPET krivi moski!!!
Još nešto
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 14 Mar 2008 at 13:19:37
- Koja država lici na ženski spolni organ?
Neki kažu Britanija jer je non stop vlažna,
drugi kažu Rusija jer non stop krvari,
a treći Srbija jer non stop traži neki ku*ac.
- Koja je razlika izmedju žene i države?
Državu treba čuvati od neprijatelja, a ženu od prijatelja!
- Grudnjak je najdemokratičniji deo garderobe.
On potiskuje velike, podiže male, a masu drži na okupu.
- Pitaju dedu od 90 leta: "Deda, kako te služi ona stvar?" On kaže: "Kao momak!" "Kako kao momak?"
"Lepo, ja mu nađem posao a on neće da radi!!!"
Sretne ženska zgodnog brku i počne da ga zavodi, pa nakon nekog vremena zamoli da joj da dlaku iz brkova. Tip uvuče ruku u pantalone i kaže:
- Dok ima u skladištu, izlog ne diram!
Voze se Cigo i Slovenac u vozu.
Izvadi Cigo kutiju cigareta kako bi zapalio, ali Slovenac mu otme cigarete i reče: - Jesi ti normalan, sad bi pušio, znaš da je zabranjeno pušenje u kupeu! Prođe neko vreme i Slovenac uzme novine, kad skoči Cigo, zgužva mu novine i reče: - Ovde si naš'o da sereš?
Negde u Bosni NATO vojnik radi sklekove, a oko njega se uzvrtio Mujo i gleda i gleda...
pa kaže:
"Jebo' mater, ako ona tebi nije pobjegla."
Sve je super
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 14 Mar 2008 at 13:13:28
Ako imas prekrasnu zenu,
jos ljepsu ljubavnicu,
ako imas super auto,
ako nemas problema s poreznim uredom,
ako sunce uvijek sija kad se probudis,
ako su ljudi uvijek ljubazni prema tebi i susretljivi,
KRAJNJE je vrijeme da prestanes uzivati droge !!!
Dan ima 24 sata,
u gajbu se smjeste 24 pive ...
TO NE MOZE BITI SLUCAJNOST !!!
Gacice nisu najvaznija stvar na svijetu, al' su vraski blizu !!!
Na poslu sam Bog. Svatko zna da postojim, al' me nitko jos nije vidio ...
Nikad se vise necu ozeniti rukometasicom što god baci na mene, pogodi me u glavu.
Ujutro ne jedem, jer mislim na sex.
U podne ne jedem, jer mislim na sex.
Navecer ne jedem, jer mislim na sex.
Po noci ne spavam, jer sam prokleto gladan.
Pametan si ako povjerujes samo u polovicu onoga sto cujes.
Genijalan si ako pogodis u koju polovicu ...
Tako sam dobar u krevetu da nekad vicem svoje ime !
Osmijeh je druga najbolja stvar koju zena moze napraviti sa svojim ustima ...
Vegetarijanac stara indijanska rijec za ''Los lovac''.
Dijeliti restoran ili lokal na pusacku i nepusacku sekciju je kao da
podijelite bazen na dvije polovice u jednoj smijes pisat, u drugoj ne.
Ako parkiras auto nepropisno, ostavi brisace upaljene, da ti ne mogu zataknuti kaznu ...
Najbolja stvar s celavom glavom je ta da cujes snjezne pahuljice kako udaraju ...
Ne volim ljude koji uzimaju drogu, a posebno carinike.
U 17-toj se curama pocinje mijenjati glas s NE na DA.
Znate li sto dolazi poslije kise ??? Ponedjeljak !
Mali mrav
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 12 Feb 2008 at 14:53:22
Jednom davno zivio je sretan i vrijedan mrav koji je svaki dan dolazio rano ujutro prvi na posao.
Cijeli radni dan bio je veseo i odlicne volje i dok je radio pjevusio je vesele pjesmice.
Bio je sretan dok je radio i njegovi rezultati su bili odlicni.
No, radio je bez usmjerenja, jer uopce nije imao nadredjenog sefa.
Zato je gospodin strsljen, direktor firme, odlucio da takva situacija ne moze potrajati i zaposlio je bubamaru koja je imala veliko iskustvo sa upravljanjem.
Prva briga bubamare bila je da organizira pracenje dolazaka i odlazaka mrava na posao/sa posla.
Uspostavila je u tu svrhu i sistem prijemnih i odlaznih dokumenata.
Zbog povecanog obima posla oko papira su morali zaposliti sekretaricu koja bi pripremala papire i izvestaje.
Pauk, kojeg su za tu funkciju zaposlili, je odmah uspostavio sistem arhiviranja i postao je odgovoran i za preuzimanje telefonskih poziva.
U medjuvremenu je sretni i vrijedni mrav samo radio, radio i radio.
Direktor strsljen je bio odusevljen sa izvestajima koje je dobijao od bubamare i uskoro je poceo zahtjevati usporedne studije sa grafikonima, pokazateljima i analizama trendova razvoja.
Zbog povecanog obima posla bilo je nuzno zaposliti hrcka koji bi bio direktna pomoc direktoru i kupili su mu odmah novi kompjuter sa stampacem.
Veoma brzo je sretni i vrijedni mrav poceo se zaliti na svu tu papirnu vojsku sa kojom je morao po novom se boriti.
Direktor je odmah vidio da je potrebno najhitrije reagirati.
Kreirao je novo radno mjesto sefa sluzbe koji bi nadzirao sretnog i vrijednog mrava.
Na novo radno mjesto je zaposlio cvrcka koji je odmah po svom dolasku zamijenio cjelokupni namjestaj u svojoj kancelariji i na zahtjev dobio ergonomski oblikovanu stolicu i novi kompjuter sa ravnim LCD ekranom.
Posto je broj kompjutera narastao morao se kupiti i instalirati i mrezni server.
Novi sef sluzbe je shvatio da hitno treba pomocnika (koji je usput bio njegov pomocnik i u prethodnoj firmi) za pripremanje strateskog nacrta upravljanja i proracuna sluzbe.
U pozadini cijele price mrav je postajao sve manje sretan i sve manje produktivan.
Sef cvrcak je odusevljeno zakljucio da mora naruciti studiju o socijalnom raspolozenju i zadovoljstvu zaposlenih u firmi.
Kada je direktor strsljen pogledao cifre i n a osnovu njih shvatio da firma, u kojoj je radio sretni i vrijedni mrav, nije vise tako rentabilna kao prije, duboko se zamislio.
Unajmio je najelitnijeg savjetodavca, gospodju sovu kojoj je rekao da izvrsi potpunu dijagnostiku firme i da predlozi rjesenja za poboljsanje rentabilnosti na nacin da firma posluje kao prije.
Gospodja sova je po tromjesecnom detaljnom analiziranju odnosa u firmi direktoru predala slijedeci izvjestaj: "U firmi je previse zaposlenih!"
Direktor strsljen je prihvatio stucnu analizu i odmah otpustio mrava.
Nikada nemoj biti sretan i vrijedan mrav. Mnogo se vise isplati da si nesposoban i da ne radis nista. Nesposobni ne trebaju svog nadzornika. Ako si uprkos svemu produktivan, nikad ne pokazi da si veseo kada radis, jer za to nema opravdanja. Ako ipak na svaki nacin zelis da si mrav, osnuj svoju firmu i tako neces morati raditi za strsljena, bubamaru, pauka, hrcka, cvrcka i sovu.
Nazalost, cijela prica temelji se na univerzitetskim naucnim istrazivanjima, koja kazu da vecina ljudi tezi ka parazitskom zivotu.
Mož, čeravno zelo zaljubljen, ni mogel dočakati, kdaj bo šel ven in se ga nažgal s prijatelji.
In je rekel ženi: "Draga, pridem takoj."
"Kam greš ljubi?", je vprašala žena.
"Grem v bife, ljubica. Na pivo."
Ona je rekla: "Ali želiš pivo, ljubezen moja?"
Odprla je hladilnik in mu pokazala 25 različnih vrst piva: iz 12-ih različnih držav (Nemčije, Nizozemske, Japonske, Indije ...)
Mož ni vedel, kaj narediti in edino kar mu je padlo na pamet je bilo:
"Ma ja, ljubica moja. Toda ... v bifeju . veš ... imajo ledene kozarce."
Še dokončal ni, pa ga je že žena prekinila z besedami: "Ali želiš ledeni kozarec, moj najdražji?"
Vzela je veliko kriglo iz zamrzovalnika, tako ledeno, da so ji kocine stopile pokonci, ko jo je prijela.
Mož, že malo bled, reče: "Toda ljubica, v bifeju imajo tudi tiste dobre gricke ... Pa saj ne bom dolgo. Vrnem se takoj. Obljubim. OK?"
"A bi rad gricke, mucek moj?" In odprla je omarico ter začela zlagati na mizo chips, arašide, kokice.
Mož, že totalno bled, reče : "Draga, toda v bifeju imajo tv in lahko gledamo nogomet......."
In še do konca ni povedal, ko žena pokaže na 126 cm plasma ekran v dnevni sobi z najboljšim surroundom.
"Toda, ljubica moja ... v bifeju ... veš ... kolnejo in govorijo grdobije."
"Bi rad slišal grdobije?"
"Kreten! Spij to svoje pofukano pivo, v svoji pofukani ledeni krigli in pojej te pofukane gricke ob tem kretenskem nogometu !!!!!!"
"Pizda ti materina, ti si sedaj poročen in ne greš nikamor !!! Jasno ?"
In živela sta srečno, do konca življenja.
Biseri iz Teen časopisa
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 07 Nov 2007 at 14:32:45
Masturbiram jastukom mogu li ostati u drugom stanju?
Sa deckom sam stupila u intimne odnose prije godinu dana i stalno koristim pilulu. Prije mjesec dana, na fakultetu sam upoznala momka s kojim sam takodjer stupila u intimne odnose. Moje je pitanje da li moram uzimati jos jednu pilulu, jednu za decka, a drugu za kolegu sa faksa?
J*bala sam se s djedom, da li sam normalna!
Imam 15 godina i namjeravam stupiti u intimni odnos sa svojim momkom, ali me uzasno strah da ne ostanem trudna. Mislim, da ostanem trudna to bi bila tragedija jer je momak jako siromasan, a mama mi daje dnevno samo 10 kuna za kavu i kad bi skupljala za abortus trebalo bi mi 5 godina, a trudnoca traje samo 9 mjeseci. sto da radim?
Imam 16 god, spavala sam nedavno s deckom i cula sam da do 18 god himen ti ponovno naraste . koliko mu vremena treba?
Spavam s 2 decka, da li ovaj prvi dok spavam s njim moze skuziti da sam ga prevarila?
Imam 13 god i pokazujem pi**u deckima u wc i jako mi je neugodno jer imam veliki crveni prist tamo dole kako da se rijesim prista???
Prijateljica mi je rekla da ako se istusiram nakon sexa necu ostati trudna, jel to istina ?
Vise mi je tipova sa partya reklo da ako jedem bombone (ectasy) da ne mogu zatrudniti, pa sam dala da svsavaju u mene. Sada sam trudna - da li to znaci da su lagali, ili nisam konzumirala dovoljno tableta?
Imam redovan seks sa deckom bez kondoma. Primetila sam da mi rastu grudi, stomak mi se uvecao a menstruacija mi kasni cetiri meseca. Da li to znaci da sam mozda trudna?
Imam devojku, ali povremeno jednom prijatelju pusim *****. Da li sam homoseksualac? (Odgovor: Ne, ti si biseksualac)
Star sam 15 i po godina i imam vec neko vrijeme curu. J*bali jos nismo, ali to nije problem. Imam starijeg brata, ima 21 godinu, koji mi je pokazao kako se d*ka. Tada sam bio star 12 godina. Sada svaki dan skupa d*kamo, pa pusimo. A brat bi volio i j*bati se samnom. Ali meni je to gadno i radije bi i sa curom j*bao. Je li to pogresno sto radimo? Zbog toga jos ne znaci da sam p*der, ili? Hoce li me cura "ubiti" ako joj kazem? Ful hvala
Spavala sam s deckovim bratom, da li se to smatra varanjem?
Imam 16 godina i imam decka s kojim imam intimne odnose. Muci me što on voli da mi gura grlic boce tamo dolje. Moje pitanje je da li mi je decko alkoholicar.
Zanimivo razmišljanje
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 18 Oct 2007 at 14:48:43
Učiteljica vpraša razred: "Če je na ograji pet ptic in lovec ustreli eno, koliko ptic ostane na ograji?" Pokliče Miha in on odgovori: "Nobena, ker vse odletijo ob strelu." Učiteljica se nasmehne in reče: "Pravilen odgovor je sicer štiri, ampak mi je všeč tvoje razmišljanje." Miha pa se oglasi: "Zdaj imam pa jaz vprašanje za vas. Tri ženske sedijo na klopi in jedo sladoled. Ena z užitkom liže strani sladoleda iz treh kepic, druga daje v usta cel vrh in sesa kornet, tretja pa grize vrh sladoleda. Katera je poročena?" Učiteljica močno zardi in odgovori: "Verjetno tista, ki daje v usta cel vrh in sesa kornet." Miha pove: "Pravilni odgovor je tista, ki nosi poročni prstan, ampak mi je všeč vaše razmišljanje."
Vdre v hišo, da bi našel hrano in orožje, in naleti na par v postelji. Ukaže moškemu, naj zleze iz nje, in ga priveže na stol, žensko pa priveže na posteljo, jo poljubi na vrat, vstane in odide v kopalnico.
Medtem mož reče ženi: "Poslušaj, ta tip je pobegli zapornik. Verjetno je bil dolgo v zaporu in že leta ni videl ženske. Videl sem, kako je poljubil tvoj vrat. Če bo želel seksati s tabo, se mu ne upiraj in se ne pritožuj, samo naredi, kar hoče. Bodi močna, draga. Ljubim te."
Žena mu odgovori: "Ni poljubil mojega vratu, na uho mi je zašepetal, da je gej in da se mu zdiš seksi, in me vprašal, ali imava kaj vazelina. Rekla sem mu, da je v kopalnici. Bodi močen, dragi. Tudi jaz te ljubim."
Nadgradnja fanta v moza
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 20 May 2007 at 07:36:08
Vprasanje:
Dragi Skrbnik programov,
Lani sem nadgradila odlicen program Fant 5.0 v Moz 1.0 in opazila, da je le-ta zacel nepricakovano spreminjati ze utecene placilne module, omejuje roze in nakit aplikacije, ki so v programu Fant 5.0 zelo uspesno delovali. Nadalje, program Moz 1.0 je izklopil kar nekaj pomembnih programov, kot na primer Romantika 9.9, toda nalozil je nezeljene programe kot na primer Liga Prvakov 5.0 in Kosarka 3.0. Program Pogovor 8.0 sploh ne deluje vec in HisnaOpravila 2.6 se je enostavno sesul. Poskusala sem resiti probleme z zagonom Godrnjanje 5.3, a zal brez uspeha.
Obupana.
Odgovor:
Draga Obupana,
Zavedati se morate, da je Fant 5.0 zabavni paket, medtem ko je Moz 1.0 operacijski - delovni sistem. Poskusite vnesti ukaz C:\PA_SEM_MISLILA_DA_ME_LJUBIS in pozenite Solze 6.2. Moz 1.0 bi moral potem avtomaticno pognati aplikacije: Kriv_sem 3.0 in Roze 7.0. Toda pazite, prepogosta uporaba zgoraj navedenega ukaza povzroci v programu Moz 1.0 zagon Vedno_tiho 2.5, Vecer_s_prijatelji 7.0 in Pivo 6.1. Pivo 6.1 je zelo neprijeten program, ki oblikuje GlasnoSmrcanje zvocne datoteke. Pod nobenim pogojem ne nalagajte programa Tasca 1.0 ali novega programa Fant. Te aplikacije ne podpirajo programa Moz 1.0 in ga bodo dokoncno sesule. V celoti gledano, Moz 1.0 je odlicen program, a ima omejen spomin in pocasi obvladuje nove aplikacije. Zato razmislite o nakupu dodatne programske opreme, ki bo izboljsala njegove zmogljivosti. Osebno vam priporocam programsko opremo DobraHrana 3.0 in SeksiPerilo 5.3.
Vas Skrbnik programov
Porodne bolečine
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 11 May 2007 at 16:10:22
V porodnišnico pride mlad, nadvse srečen par. Žena je grozno zaskrbljena zaradi poroda in bolečin, pa jo zdravniki pomirijo češ, da so iznašli napravo, ki bolečine iz mamice prenese na očeta. Seveda se oba strinjata, da poskusita.
Zdravnik najprej nastavi napravo na 10 % prenos bolečine. Mamica pravi, da je boljše, oče ne čuti nič. Povečajo procent na 50 %. Mamica se počuti odlično, očka tudi in je presrečen, da lahko na tak enostaven in praktično neboleč način odvzame bolečine svoji ljubi ženkici. Zato se zdravniki odločijo, da naredijo 100 % prenos bolečin.
Super - mamica rodi brez bolečin, očka ves srečen tudi brez bolečin ob mamici in svojem novorojenčku hvali zdravnika, da je njihov izum neverjeten.
Ko zvečer pride domov najde na pragu ... mrtvega poštarja.
Slab sex
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 25 Apr 2007 at 13:29:57
Dva zelo stara penzionista, zakonca, sedita na verandi in srkata čaj....
Gungata se na gugalnikih, nakar starka dvigne svojo palico in z vso močjo useka starca čez hrbet....
Ta jo v agoniji vpraša: "Zakaj si me pa tako usekala?"
In mu žena odvrne: "To je pa za 60 let slabega seksa..."
In spet srkata čaj v tišini.
Pa se gungata in gungata....
Pa starec dvigne svojo palico in jo kar zlomi na hrbtu svoje žene...
Pa ona kričeče vpraša: "Zakaj je bilo pa tole?"
Pa pravi on: "Zato, ker veš, kakšna je razlika..."
Horoskop malo drugace
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 18 Apr 2007 at 21:24:41
OVEN :
NADUVANI TEPCI, KI MISLIJO, DA VEDO VSE. MENIJO, DA SO BLAZNO PRILJUBLJENI, V BISTVU PA GREJO VECINI FOLKA NA JETRA. IZMISLIJO SI NEKO NEIZVEDLJIVO STVAR IN POTEM TEZIJO TISTIM, KI JIM JE NE USPE REALIZIRATI, SAMI PA NE MIGNEJO S PRSTOM. NAVADNO ZIVIJO PARAZITSKO IN IZKORISCAJO DRUGE. RINEJO IN RINEJO, SE DOKOPLJEJO DO OBLASTI POTEM PA SE GREDO ARISTOKRATE IN SE PUSTIJO STRECI. MNENJA DRUGIH NE UPOSTEVAJO, KER ITAK MENIJO DA SO NAJPAMETNEJSI, VENDAR VECINA LJUDI KMALU OPAZI, KAKSNI BLEFERJI SO.
BIK:
VZTRAJNI, NE VDAJO SE ZLAHKA, VENDAR PREDVSEM ZATO, KER SO NESPOSOBNI IN JIM NIC NE USPE PRVIC. IZRAZITO BUTASTI IN BREZ SMISLA ZA HUMOR. ZLAHKA JIH ZMANIPULIRAS, NAGNJENI PA SO K TEMU, DA ZATIRAJO SIBKEJSE OD SEBE. ZENSKE RADE DAJO. ZARADI PRIROJENE TOPOUMNOSTI JIH TEZKO RAZ****IS, KO PA TI USPE, JE DOBRO, DA HITRO TECES. ZNANA OSEBNOST: SADAM HUSEIN RECIMO.
DVOJCKA:
VELIK VZAMEJO, PA NIC NE DAJO. VECINOMA JIH IMAJO VSI RADI, PREDVSEM ZATO, KER SO BISEKSUALCI. DO BLIZNJIH SO SKRTI, RADI PA DAJEJO TUJCEM, KER SI ZELIJO BITI PRILJUBLJENI. BEBAVO NEPOSREDNI. ZATEZENCI, NAGNJENI K SHIZOFRENIJI. KER IMAJO TEZAVES SPOLNO PREFERENCO, NI DOBRO PUSCATI OTROKE SAME Z NJIMI, INCEST PA JE PRI NJIH ITAK STALNA PRAKSA. DVOJCICE SE KAR NE LOCIJO OD SVOJIH PRIJATELJIC, VES CAS TICIJO SKUPAJ, KAR JE VECINOMA PRAV ZOPRNO, CE MAS PA SRECO, JIH VCASIH VZAMEJO TUDI S SABO V POSTELJO, KAR JE NEDVOMNO PREDNOST,CEIMAS RAD STEVILKO 3...
RAK:
ZMER SE JIM DOGAJA KRIVICA, ZMER SO ZRTVE IN V TEM TUDI NEZNANSKO UZIVAJO. NAJVECKRAT IZVAJAJO MANUALNA DELA, VELIKO STRIKAJO IN KVACKAJO, DOBRI SO ZA TEKOCIM TRAKOM. ZE PO KOZARCU ALI DVEH SE JIM POPOLNOMA STRGA, TEZIJO DRUGIM, Z ZURA JIH JE TREBA DEJANSKO METAT SKOZ VRATA, KER BI SE KAR NASELILI. BOGNEDAJ, DA TE OBISCEJO, NE SPRAVIS JIH IZ STANOVANJA.
LEV:
MISLIJO, DA SO ROJENI VODJE, V RESNICI PA VSI VEDO, DA SO NAVADNI NESPOSOBNI TEPCI. VEDNO SERJEJO, TUDI CE NIMAJO ARGUMENTOV IN SO STISNJENI V KOT. EDEN JE V HAAGU. VECINOMA NE POZNAJO OSNOV HIGIENE,VELIKO JIH IMA HEPATITIS. KOT PRAVI LEVI RADI POSCIJEJO VSA DREVESA NAOKOLI, SO TUDI ROJENI V TEM ZNAMENJU NAGNJENI K TEMU, DA CECKAJO PO ZIDOVIH, VREZUJEJO IMENA V DREVESA IN SMETIJO PO FORUMIH. VEDNO ISCEJO OSTALE LEVE, SE ZBIRAJO IN LIZEJO MED SABO, NIKOLI NE MISLIJO S SVOJO GLAVO SO KRITIZERSKI IN NEKREATIVNI.
DEVICA:
ZENSKE DOLGO CASA NE DAJO, KO PA LE DAJO, PONAVADI ZASPIJO MED SEKSOM. KER SO ZLO NATANCNE SO PONAVADI DOBRE SNAZILKE, PROSTITUTKE PA ZVODNIKI. ZOPRNI KO PRASICE IN HKRATI IZRAZITO OMEJENI ZAGOVEDNI IN KONZERVATIVNI. VSAKA PRIBOMBA NA NJIHOV RACUN JE ZA NJIH VOJNA NAPOVED. ZAPICIJO SE V NASPROTNIKA, POISCEJO NJEGOVO SIBKO TOCKO IN GA POTEM PRAV POCASI IN ZAJEDLJIVO MESARIJO. SICER SE RADI DRZIJO V OZADJU, KER NIMAJO JAJC ZA FRONTALNI NAPAD, AMPAK BOGNEDAJ, DA PRIDEJO NA OBLAST: SO STRAHOVITI TIRANI. ZNANA OSEBNOST: IVAN GROZNI, JANEZ JANSA.
TEHTNICA:
KONZERVATIVNI IN OMEJENI. VSEGA SE LOTIJO POCASI IN PRETEHTANO, PREDVSEM ZATO, KER IMAJO TEZAVE S KOGNITIVNIM RAZMISLJANJEM, VECKRAT JECLJAJO IN IMAJO DISLEKSIJO. V TRENUTKU ZAMENJAJO MNENJE. CUSTVA JIM VSAKIC ZAMEGLIJO RAZUM, VEDNO SKUSAJO BITI PRAVICNISKI, PREDVSEM KADAR S TEM SKODIJO DRUGIM. VES CAS NALAGAJO BEDARIJE IN SPLOH NE OPAZIJO ZA KAKSNE TEPCE SE KAZEJO. MOSKI PONAVADI GEJI, ZENSKE PROSTITUKE, NAJVECKRAT UMREJO ZARADI SPOLNIH BOLEZNI.
SKORPIJON:
NE SMES JIM ZAUPAT. NIKOLI NE KUPI RABLJENEGA AVTA OD SKORPIJONA, NIKOLI NE KUPI NICESAR OD SKORPIJONA, CE TI KAJ PODARI, IMA GOTOVO KAJ ZA BREGOM. SO BREZ VSAKE ETIKE, ZATO VELIKO DOSEZEJO. VECINOMA SO NEPLODNI. MOSKI IMAJO SPOLNE ORGANE PRECEJ RAZVITE, SO PA VECINOMA IMPOTENTNI. ZENSKE POTREBUJEJO IZRAZITO DEBELE, DOLGE, ZAJETNE BATINE, KO JIH ENKRAT RAZPALIS, SE TEZKO UNESEJO. UPORABLJAJO EROTICNA POMAGALA, PREDVSEM ENORMNE VIBRATORJE IN DILDOTE. ANALNO? NI PROBLEMA. ZNANA OSEBNOST: BILL GATES.
STRELEC :
VECINOMA PIJANCI IN NARKOMANI. VECKRAT SE ZACNEJO KROHOTATI NA NEPRIMERNIH MESTIH(POGREBI, MASE, PREDAVANJA), KER KONCNO ZASTEKAJO VIC, KI SO GA SLISALI PRED TEDNOM. DAJEJO NEPRIMERNE PRIPOMBE NA NEPRIMERNIH MESTIH, SO BREZ VSAKEGA TAKTA. CE SI DO NJIH PRASEC, TE VZLJUBIJO, CE PA JIM NAREDIS USLUGO, TE ZANICUJEJO. SEKSUALNO JE STRELKE TEZKO ZADOVOLJITI, CE NI PREKRATEK JE PREDOLG, CE NI PREMEHEK JE PRETRD, DOVOLJ DOBREGA PA ITAK NE NAJDEJO. ZNANA OSEBNOST: NIXON RECIMO.
KOZOROG:
NIC NE TVEGAJO, SO PRAVE USRANE RITI. VECINOMA SE IMAJO ZA MUCENIKE IN ODRESENIKE. GRADIJO SI CUDASKE MISELNE SVETOVE, MENIJO, DA SO EZOTERICNI IN DA IMAJO NEKAKSNE CUDEZNE MOCI. KOZOROG SI VZAME URO ALI DVE CASA IN TI JE PRIPRAVLJEN POVEDATI CELOTNO VSEBINO KNJIGE ALI FILMA, KI JO/GA JE KONZUMIRAL ONI DAN IN HKRATI MENI, DA ZRAVEN NEIZMERNO UZIVAS. UZIVA KADAR PRIDIGA, MENI, DA JE NAJPAMETNEJSI, NASPROTNE ARGUMENTE PA GLADKO IGNORIRA. NAGNJENI SO K AUTODESTRUKCIJI IN SAMOMORU, KAR JE TUDI NJIHOVA EDINA ODLIKA.
VODNARJI :
VEDNO PONAVLJAJO ISTE NAPAKE, TAKO V SLUZBI KOT V LJUBEZNI IN TO PREDVSEM ZATO, KER SO BUTASTI. IMAJO SE ZA SAMARITANCE V RESNICI PA SI LE CAJTAJO TOTALNO MENTALNO ZBLOJENOST, NA STAROST SE JIM PA ITAK UTRGA IN KONCAJO V USTANOVAH ZAPRTEGA TIPA. VECINOMA LAZEJO. MENIJO, DA SO BLAZNO DUHOVITI, V RESNICI PA SO DOLGOCASNI, SAJ HITRO POSTANEJO PREDVIDLJIVI IN SE VECINI LJUDI ZACNEJO GRAVZATI, VODNARKE RADE DAJO TUDI IZ USMILJENJA IN Z VESELJEM POGOLTNEJO. POSKUSIJO VSE. NEKROFILIJA, SODOMIJA, BOLJ KO JE BIZARNO, BOLJ SO ZA STVAR. POPOLNOMA NESPOSOBNI SO OCENITI CLOVEKOV ZNACAJ. DOSTIKRAT JIH UMORIJO.
RIBI:
VEDNO JIH SPREMLJA PARANOJA, POVSOD VIDIJO ZAROTO. BREZ SAMOZAVESTI,VES CAS SE DAJEJO V NIC. NEPOMEMBNEZI. ZENSKE NERADE DAJO, KO PA JO ENKRAT IMAS, LAHKO POCNES Z NJO VSE, KAR TI PADE NA MISEL. MOSKI SEN PONAVADI ZAPIJEJO IN KONEC ZIVLJENJA PREZIVIJO NASLONJENI NA KAKSEN SANK IN TEZIJO DRUGIM S SVOJO ZIVLJENJSKO ZGODBO.
Idealen prodajalec
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 18 Apr 2007 at 16:29:37
Nekje v Ameriki so v nekem trgovskem velecentru, ki je prodajal vse živo zaposlili novega prodajalca.
Šef mu je rekel, da bo najprej en teden poskusno in če se bo izkazal, ga bodo vzeli za stalno.
Ko gre šef čez eno uro na obhod, vidi, da ima tale novi prodajalec stranko.
Diskretno se približa in posluša.
"Gospod, tale ribiška palica je vrhunski izdelek. Z njo boste ulovili same kapitalne ribe."
"Vzel jo bom!"
"Kaj pa vabe imate?"
"Ne."
"Potem vam priporočam tole torbo v kateri imate vabe za vse vrste rib."
"Vzamem!"
"Kaj pa škornji?"
"Nimam"
"Glejte tele škornje, kot bi bili narejeni samo za vas!"
"Vzamem!"
Potem mu je prodal še brezrokavnik, pa klobuk, pa torbo za malico, pa mrežo......
"Kaj pa čoln imate?"
"Ne..."
"Poglejte tega lepotca. Z njim se lahko peljete na sredo jezera in tam popolnoma v miru lovite."
"Vzamem."
Kakšen avto vozite?"
"Corvetto...."
"Jooj, s športnim avtom pa ja ne boste čolna vlekli.... Glejte tega Jeepa z V8 mašino.
Z njim boste brez problema vlekli čoln tudi po najslabšem terenu"
Možakar je navdušen in tudi Jeepa kupi brez obotavljanja. Ko odide, šef presrečen skoči izza polic in vzklikne:
"Pa vi ste genij! Človek pride po ribiško palico, vi pa mu še kup opreme, pa čoln in Jeepa prodate!
Česa takega pa še nisem videl!"
"Gospod šef, ne bo čisto držalo, tip ni prišel po ribiško palico, pač pa po tampone za svojo ženo, pa sem mu rekel,
da če že ne bo seksal čez vikend, naj gre vsaj ribe lovit...."
(Archived)
Posted by Ana
on 17 Apr 2007 at 12:25:53
O vau...kok sweet - kr uradno opravičilo!
Hvala zdej se ful ful ful bol počutm - da vem da je fake slika
Am ja ...pol pa preveri - sm namerno not enga dala da vidva če že dela!
Glede šumnikov
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 17 Apr 2007 at 09:00:41
Ne vem čist točno zakaj ti ne delajo bom preveril ampak sicer naj bi delal
Opravicilo
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 17 Apr 2007 at 08:59:19
Khm sori no. Sej ves da sm te moru naredit bolj povprečno ker drugač bi mi ostali smrtniki izpadl čist čudno.
(Archived)
Posted by Ana
on 17 Apr 2007 at 08:23:03
P.S.: sorry za tele šumnike...sm cist pozabila, da jih ne sprejema - no pa sej, ce je v tvoji moci da se jih popravi - imaš moje dovolenje
Sticna II
(Archived)
Posted by Ana
on 17 Apr 2007 at 08:21:28
Am ja ok...sej ne da je bil tole čist napačn odgovor - ti bi mogu rečt: "Mah ne Ana sej ti dobr veš da ni kamere k bi te nardila tako lepo kot si v resnici!"
Kje si zgubu romantični, na dušo pihajoč šarm:)
Sticna
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 16 Apr 2007 at 22:15:17
Ja smo pac taki kot smo (na sreco me ni na slikah) in na zalost je fotoaparat najhujsi kritik. Jest se tut sam sebi zdim ful lepsi kot sm na slikah ampak kaj cmo neki pa mors met za spomin
Hello
(Archived)
Posted by Ana
on 16 Apr 2007 at 00:48:51
Hoj, just pop up to say - great photos from Stična:)
Sej ne da bi me lohk bol fotogenično naredu, hehe!
Upam, da uživaš v sončku:)
Skrivnost
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 02 Apr 2007 at 14:11:39
Babica stara 98 let lezi na smrtni postelji in zeli se pred smrtjo razkriti 99 letnemu mozu, ki sedi zalosten ob njeni postelji, se zadnjo skrivnost.
"Gerardo, moj mali Gege, prej, da bom za vedno zatisnila oci, ti zelim razodeti mojo skrivnost. Pojdi na skedenj in pod tretjem stebru na levi strani strehe, bos nasel dve skatli in jih prinesi."
Gerardo gre na skedenj in se po petih minutah vrne nosec v rokah dve skatli. V prvi najde tri jajca, v drugi pa 250,000,00 evrov, kar oci se mu razsvetljijo.
"Povej mi moja draga, kaj pomenijo ta tri jajca."
"Ves Gerardo, porocena sva ze 78 let, in vsakic ko sva seksala in jaz nisem dosegla orgazma, sem polozila v skatlo eno jajce."
Gerardo postane izredno zadovoljen in ponosen, v 78 letih ni uspel zadovoljiti svoje zene samo trikrat, nato pa se vprasa: "in kaj pomeni 250,000,00 evrov?"
"Oh, vsakokrat, ko sem napolnila skatlo z dvanajstimi jajci, sem jih sla prodati na trznico."
Čez 11 minut
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 26 Mar 2007 at 14:27:27
Policaj patruljira ponoči po parkih in lovi parčke, ki se v avtih skrivajo pred očmi javnosti. Naenkrat opazi avto z razsvetljeno notranjosto. Previdno se približa avtu in opazi na vozniškem sedežu sedečega mladeniča z računalniško revijo v roki, na zadnjem sedežu pa sedi mlado dekle in plete. Radovednost ga premaga in previdno potrka na voznikovo okno.
Mladenič odpre okno in reče: "Dober večer, gospod policist, je kaj narobe?"
"Kaj pa delaš tu?"
"No ja, berem revijo, gospod policist..."
Policaj pokaže s prstom na dekle in vpraša: "In ona, kaj dela ona?"
Mladenič skomigne: "Gospod policist, mislim da plete pulover."
Policaju ni nič več jasno. Mlad par v avtu ponoči na
"ljubezenski točki", ne dogaja pa se nič, kar bi človek pričakoval od te situacije. Zmedeno povpraša mladeniča: "Mladi mož, koliko si pa star?"
"25 let, gospod policist"
"In ona, koliko je ona stara?"
Mladenič pogleda na uro in odgovori: "Čez 11 minut bo 18 let."
Naj vas opomnimo, česa vsega je zmožen Chuck Norris.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Ko je chuck norris zapustil deviške otoke, so se nato imenovali le otoki.
Solze od Chucka Norrisa zdravijo raka. Škoda da nikoli ne joka.
Chuck Norris se še ni kdaj umil ker voda pred njim beži. Pa vendar ni umazan, ker umazanija za vodo ne zaostaja.
Chuck Norris je edini moški, pri katerem ženska utihne potem, ko jo je nategnil.
Samo Chuck Norris je sposoben narediti samomor iz zasede!
Chuck Norris ne dobi sončnih opeklin, sonce dobi Chuck Norris opekline!
Na začetku je bla Pangea, potem je pa prišel Chuck Norris...
06.06.06 je prišel hudič, da bi začel apokalipso, pa je srečal Chuck Norrisa...
Strela ne udari Chuck Norrisa, ampak Chuck Norris strelo.
Chuck Norris je edini preštel do neskončno. Dvakrat.
Chuck Norris te lahko ubije s katerimkoli delom svojega telesa v eni sami sekundi. Ce je dobre volje ti celo dovoli, da lahko sam izberes.
Samo Chuck Norris pozna zadnji dve decimalki številke PI.
Chuck Norris ne ve veliko o spletnih straneh. Še dobro da ne, saj bi drugače zbirsal celoten internet.
Chuck Norris je edini človek na svetu, ki lahko krožni udarec pošlje po elektronski pošti.
Chuck Norris ne spi.... on čaka.
Policija označi vsakogar, ki napade Chuck Norrisa kot CD 45-11.... samomor.
Chuck Norris spi pri luči.
Ampak ne zato, ker se boji teme, ampak ker se tema boji njega!
Chuck Norris lahko ubija s pogledom in to za tri generacije naprej.
Chuck Norris ni naročen na National Geographic, ampak je National Geographic na Chuck Norrisa.
Zakaj kupuje Slovenska vojska nove oklepnike? Ker nimajo Chuck Norrisa.
Chuck Norris na krvodajalski akciji:
"Dvocevko in vedro prosim!"
CHUCK NORRIS je prvi sesul windowse!
Naslednje ime za Microsoftov operacijski sistem bo ChuRis, ker bo bolj udarjal po luknjah.
Zakaj Chuck Norris nima antivirusnega na računalniku. Ker ko virus prileti v računalnik, se ga tak vstraši, da se kar obrne.
Chuck Norris je ubil Hitlerja, sam neonacisti tega nočejo priznati!
Bog je hudiča pregnal z nebes na zemljo, Chuck Norris ga je usekal naprej v Pekel...
Chuck Norrisov prdec diši kot pomladanski travnik. Ampak te vseeno ubije.
Če ne bi bilo Chuck Norrisa, bi danes na Zemlji živelo 11 miljard ljudi.
Teorija evolucije ne obstaja. Obstaja samo spisek bitij, ki jim Chuck Norris pusti živeti.
Chuck Norris ne rabi vojske, on je vojska.
Še vedno mislite da ste lahko Chuck Norris? Ne? Sem si mislil!
In v razmislek: Zemlja se vrti samo, ker Chuck Norris nima kaj proti...
Chuck Norris je mrtev že deset let, vendar mu smrt tega do zdaj še ni upala povedati.
Ce vprasas Chuck Norrisa koliko je ura, ti bo odgovoril "Dve sekundi do!", in ko ga vprasas "Do česa?" ti bo s krošejem gobec razbil!
Macgyver lahko napravi avion iz zvecilnega in pisarniske sponke, vendar ga lahko Chuck Norris ubije in mu ga vzame.
Nekoc je Chuck Norris tako močno zamahnil z nogo, da je le-ta prebila svetlobni zid, šla nazaj po času in ubila Jurija Vego, ko se je ta odpravljal domov.
Chuck Norris ne bere knjig. Tako dolgo strmi v njih, dokler ne dobi informacij, ki jih rabi!
Chuck Norris je izgubil nedolžnost še pred svojim očetom!
Pod njegovo brado se skriva dodatna pest!
Na svetu obstajajo le dve vrsti ljudi: nesposobneži in Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris se je nekoc sprehajal po ulici z masivno erekcijo. Nobeden ni preživel!
V povprečni sobi je 1278 predmetov s katerimi te lahko Chuck Norris ubije, vključno s samo sobo.
Chuck Norris je edini, ki je premagal steno pri namiznem tenisu!
Ko se je Chuck Norris rodil, je sestra zavpila "A ni to Chuck Norris?" Potem se je dala dol z njim. Bila je že tretje dekle, ki jo je Chuck Norris položil!
Chuck Norris lahko zažge mravljo s pomočjo povečevalnega stekla. Ponoči!
Chuck Norris rabi 20 minut, da gleda 60 minut!
Chuck Norris lahko deli z ničlo!
Ko dela Chuck Norris sklece, ne dviguje sebe, temvec zemljo poriva navzdol!
Chuck Norris ne gleda sončnih zahodov. On jih napravi!
Kategorije zensk po racunalnisko
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 22 Jan 2007 at 10:33:50
Ni res, da racunalnicarji stalno nosijo kariraste srajce, da so introvertirani in da razmisljajo binarno. Evo, na primer, razlikujejo 13 tipov zensk:
1. INTERNET zenska: za dostop morate plcati.
2. SERVER zenska: vedno je zaposlena in ko jo potrebujete, je preobremenjena.
3. WINDOWS zenska: veste, da ima veliko napak, pa kljub temu ne morete brez nje.
4. POWERPOINT zenska: idealna je za predstavitev ljudem na kakem slavju.
5. EXCEL zenska: govori se, da zmore marsikaj, a vi vedno uporabljate samo osnovne stiri funkcije.
6. WORD zenska: vsak dan znova vas preseneca in na svetu ni nikogar, ki bi jo povsem razumel.
7. MS-DOS zenska: vsi so jo imeli in nihce vec je noce.
8. BACK-UP zenska: mislite, da ima vse, a ko enkrat res nekaj potrebujete, vidite, da ji vseeno nekaj manjka.
9.SCANDISK zenska: vsi vemo, da lahko naredi veliko dobrega, a v bistvu nihce natanko ne ve, cesa je sposobna.
10. SCREEN SAVER zenska: nima posebnih funkcij, a jo radi gledate.
11. HARD DISK zenska: spomni se vsega, ob vsakem casu.
12. E-MAIL zenska: od desetih stvari, ki vam jih pove, je devet popolnih neumnosti.
13. VIRUS zenska: ko najmanj pricakujete, se instalira v vase stanovanje in si prigrabi vase stvari. Ce jo poskusate deinstalirati, se lahko hkrati poslovite od nekaterih stvari. Ce pa ne naredite nic, hitro izgubite vse.
Vesel bozic
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 24 Dec 2006 at 17:16:28
/ __'. .-"""-.
.-""-| | '.'. / .---. \
/ .--. \ \___\ \/ /____| |
/ / \ `-.-;-(`_),____.-'._
; ; `.-" "-:_,(o:==..`-. '. .-"-,
| | / \ / `\ `. \ / .-. \
\ \ | Y __...\ \ \ / / \/
/\ | | | .--""--.| .-' \ '.`---' /
\ \ / / |` \' _...--.; '---'`
\ '-' / /_..---.._ \ .'\\_ `.
`--'` .' (_) `'/ (_) /
`._ _.'| .'
``````` '-...--'`
Kr tko
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 22 Nov 2006 at 21:39:47
_.--"""--,
.' `\
.-""""""-. .' |
/ '. / .-._/
| `. | |
\ \ .-._ | _ \
`""'-. \_.-. \ ` ( \__/
| ) '=. ., \
/ ( \ / \ /
/` `\ | / `'
'..-`\ _.-. `\ _.__/ .=.
| _ / \ '.-` `-.' /
\_/ | | './ _ _ \.'
'-' | / \ |
| .-. .-. |
\ / o| |o \ /
| / \ |
/ `"` `"` \
/ \
| '._.' \
| / |
\ | |
|| _ _ /
/|\ (_\ /_) /
\ \'._ ` '_.'
`""` `"""`
Odvisnost
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 05 Oct 2006 at 07:05:17
Vceraj zvecer sva z ženo sedela na kavcu in se pogovarjala o življenju. Pogovor je nanesel tudi na pomen dignitete cloveškega življenja.
Jaz sem ji rekel: "Draga, ce se meni kdaj zgodi, da bi bil v stanju vegetiranja, odvisen od aparatov in tekocin prosim odklopi vse stvari, ki me držijo pri življenju."
Ko sem to izrekel je žena vstala, izklopila TV in mi vzela pivo.
Navedite očeta
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 03 Oct 2006 at 15:25:13
Tole so odgovori Britank na vprašalnikih za otroško podporo pod "navedite očeta". To so resnični odgovori s teh vprašalnikov:
1. Glede očetovstva mojih dvojčkov: oče otroka A je Jim Munson. Za očeta otroka B nisem sigurna, mislim pa, da je bil spočet isto noč.
2. Nisem prepričana, kdo je oče, ker sem bruhala skozi okno, ko si me je nepričakovano vzel od zadaj. Lahko pa vam priskrbim seznam imen moških s tiste žurke, če pomaga.
3. Ne poznam imena očeta moje deklice. Spočeta je bila na žuru na 3600 Grand Avenue, kjer sem nezaščiteno seksala z moškim, ki sem ga takrat spoznala. Spomnim se, da je bil sex tako dober, da sem omedlela. Če ga najdete, mi lahko pošljete njegovo telefonsko? Hvala.
4. Ne poznam identitete očeta moje hčere. Vozi BMW, ki ima luknjo od moje petke na opažu vrat. Mogoče lahko kontaktirate BMW servise v okolici in ugotovite, če je dal to popravit.
5. Še nikoli nisem seksala z moškim. Čakam na pismo od papeža, ki bo potrdil, da je bilo spočetje mojega sina brezmadežno in da je ponovno vstali Kristus.
6. Ne morem vam povedat imena očeta otroka A, ker me je obvestil, da bi to imelo katastrofalne posledice za britansko ekonomijo. Razpeta sem med tem, da naredim tako, da bo dobro za vas, ali tako, da bo dobro za državo. Prosim svetujte.
7. Ne vem, kdo je oče mojega otroka, saj zame vsi vojaki zgledajo enako. Lahko pa potrdim, da je bil član "Royal Green Jacket-ov".
8. Peter Smith je oče otroka A. Če boste govorili z njim, ga lahko vprašate, kaj je naredil z mojimi AC/DC CD-ji?
9. Glede na datume zgleda, da je bila moja hči spočeta v Euro Disney-u. Mogoče je pa res Magično Kraljestvo.
10. Toliko stvari v tej noči je nejasnih... Edino, kar se spomnim je, da je Delia Smith imela popoldne oddajo o jajcih. Če bi ostala doma in gledala TV namesto da sem šla na žur na Miller Drive 146, bi moja verjetno ostala
neoplojena.
11. Nisem prepričana glede identitete očeta mojega otroka; ko poješ celo konzervo fižola tudi ne moreš vedet, od katerega fižolčka si prdnil.
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...
(Archived)
Posted by Boris
on 29 Sep 2006 at 07:34:06
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Par računalniških
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 13 Sep 2006 at 07:50:49
01) Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
02) Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
03) COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key to continue.
04) Buy a Pentium II so you can reboot faster.
05) Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
06) Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
07) My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
08) Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression.
09) The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
10) BREAKFAST.COM Halted. Cereal Port Not Responding.
11) The name is Baud, James Baud.
12) Access denied. Thought you could get in?
13) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
14) Bad command. Bad, bad, command! Sit! Bark! Stay!
15) Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename?”
16) As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
17) File not found. Should I fake it? (y/n)
18) Ethernet: Something used to catch the EtherBunny.
19) An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
20) CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Reboot Washington D.C? (y/n)
21) Does fuzzy logic tickle?
22) 11th commandment: Desire not your neighbor's Pentium II or his 16xCD-R.
23) The magic of Windows: Turns a Pentium into an XT, instantly.
24) SENILE.COM found. Out Of Memory.
25) Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
26) Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
27) Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, this is Shell calling, do you copy?
28) All computers wait at the same speed.
29) Defination of a computer: A device designed to speed up and automate errors.
30) Press [CTRL]-[ALT]-[DEL] to continue.
31) AscII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
32) E-mail returned to sender. Insufficient voltage.
33) Hex dump: Where witches leave their used curses.
34) Do witches run spell checkers?
35) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
36) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
37) "640K ought to be enough for anybody" - Bill Gates, 1981
38) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
39) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic?
40) I used dip switches and connector wires to speed up my computer. It works just finE*Ĺä^'=ö:.¨\~
41) Error! No keyboard detected. Press F1 to continue.
42) Error! No mouse detected. Click here to continue.
43) Error! Virus requires a different operating system.
44) Ever noticed how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
45) Double your HD space, delete your operating system!
46) Is reading in the bathroom considered as multi-tasking?
47) My computer said that "Insert disk #3" but I couldn't get more than one disk fit in at a time!
48) Bug? That's not a bug, that's a random feature!
49) The computer programmer's national anthem is "AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!”
50) If at first you don't succeed, call it a version 1.0.
51) Asking if computers can think, is like asking if submarines can swim.
52) Todays UNIX command: "EXSOP" = Execute System Operator.
53) Computer programming is an artform that fights back.
54) Dad, what does "FORMATTING DRIVE C: 90% DONE" mean?
55) Windows loaded. System in danger.
56) No errors detected. Yet.
57) File Linking Error. Your mistake is now in every file.
58) Erroneous Error. Nothing is wrong.
59) Multitasking Attempted. System confused.
60) System Price Error. Inadequate money spent on hardware.
61) Broken Window. Watch out for glass fragments.
62) Horrible Bug Encountered. No idea what has happened.
63) Running low on diskspace. Free at least 2GB.
64) Windows Closed. You can't look outside now.
65) Unexplained Error. Please tell the programmer how is this possible.
66) Keyboard Locked. Try anything you can think of.
67) Illegal Error. You are not allowed to get this error, next time you will be punished.
68) Timing Error. Please wait, and wait, and wait, and wait...
69) Process running. If not ready in 10 minutes, wait longer.
70) This will end your Windows session, do you wish to play another game?
71) Timeout Error. Operator fell asleep waiting for the system to boot.
72) Error! Computer hungry. Insert hamburger in drive A: and press Y to continue.
73) Error! Programmer running out of cash. Insert Wallet in drive A: and remove when empty.
74) BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit.”
75) BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
76) BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what E-Commerce companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
77) CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
78) COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
79) CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!”
80) DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours in a row.
81) DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
82) ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look around.”
83) EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all it's peripherals.
84) FILE: What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
85) FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food.
86) HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
87) IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
88) MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
89) PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you bought a PC TV-card.
90) RETURN: What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
91) TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
92) WINDOW: What you throw the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
Zmajevi
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 12 Sep 2006 at 19:10:12
Pita unuk babu:
"Baba, jesi li možda vidjela neke moje tabletice?"
Baba mu odgovori:
"Pusti sine sad tabletice, jesi li ti vidio one zmajeve u kuhinji?!"
GLOBES OF WONDER, BAZONGAS, BOSOMS, BLOUSE WEASELS, BIG'UNS, MELONS, TITILATIONS, BAZOOKAS, JIGGLYS, HOOTERS, BREASTS, JOY TOYS, SQUEEZIES, KNOCKERS, FAKE O BAGOS, JUGS, RACK, WUBBAS, KNOBS, HEADLIGHTS, FUNBAGS, PUPPIES, and of course WEAPONS OF MASS DISTRACTION !!!!
Irc
(Archived)
Posted by Da Baboon
on 09 Aug 2006 at 15:46:22
i will commit suicide or die trying
šala iz IRC-a
(Archived)
Posted by Da Baboon
on 08 Aug 2006 at 11:36:27
WindMage1: my cat already had kittens a month ago
WindMage1: we took her in to get fixed, and they're like "We can't... she's pregnant"
WindMage1: and I said "That bitch said she was on the pill!"
WindMage1: and then there was very awkward silence in the vet's office
Kateri operacijski sistem je vaš?
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 04 Jun 2006 at 08:39:25
DOS = MOŠKI
Grd, okoren a zanesljiv. Vsak ukaz izvrši hitro, predvidljivo in ponavadi brez napak. Ni večopravilen, kar pomeni, da ko mu naložiš eno delo, ni dojemljiv za neko drugo, razen če prvo prekine.
WINDOWS = ŽENSKA
Lepa in načičkana. Večopravilna: 1000 del lahko dela hkrati, a za nobeno, vse do konca, nisi prepričan, kako jo bo naredila. Stalno si v pričakovanju, da te bo pustila na cedilu ravno, ko jo najbolj potrebuješ. Več časa kot je 'vklopljena', bolj ti polni 'spomin'. Ničkolikokrat si že rekel, da jo boš nekam poslal, a brez nje ne moreš. V družbi vsi pričakujejo da jo imaš, in če je nimaš, kar nekako nisi kompatibilen.
LINUX = GAY
Rad bi bil lep in večopravilen kot Windowsi in zanesljiv kot DOS, v resnici pa ni ne eno ne drugo. Ker verjame v svobodno družbo, se zastonj ponuja vsakemu, ki ga le vzame. Vsi se sprašujejo, če ni mogoče to najboljša izbira; a ene je strah, drugi ne bi bili radi nekompatibilni v družbi, tretji celo poskušajo, pa vidijo da ni za njih. Nekateri pa so nad njim navdušeni, in nikoli več ne bi prešli na Windows. So tudi taki, ki uporabljajo malo Linux malo Windows. Zagretim Windows uporabnikom, pa gre, ob misli na Linux, kar na bruhanje.
Nek moški je nekega dne šel po cesti, ko gre mimo žabe, ki ga ogovori:
"Če me poljubiš se bom spremenila v čudovito princeso."
Možakar se je sklonil, pobral žabo in jo spravil v žep.
Žaba je ponovno spregovorila in rekla:
"Če me poljubiš in me spremeniš nazaj v čudovito princeso, bom vsem povedala kako si pameten in pogumen in da si moj heroj."
Možakar je vzel žabo iz žepa, se ji nasmehnil, in jo pospravil nazaj v žep.
Žaba je zopet spregovorila in rekla:
"Če me poljubiš in spremeniš nazaj v čudovito princeso, bom tvoja ljubeča sopotnica za cel teden."
Možakar je zopet vzel žabo iz žepa, se ji nasmehnil, in jo vrnil v žep.
Žaba je vsa obupana zaklicala:
"Če me poljubiš in spremeniš nazaj v čudovito princeso, bom ostala s teboj celo leto in počela kar boš hotel!"
Zopet je možakar vzel žabo iz žepa, se ji nasmehnil, in jo spet pospravil v žep. Koncno žaba popizdi, in možakarja vpraša:
"Koji ti je kurac?! Povedala sem ti da sem čudovita princesa, da bom s tabo ostala celo leto in da bom naredila karkoli boš hotel?!
Zakaj me nočeš poljubiti?!"
Možakar ji je odgovoril:
"Glej, jaz sem programer. Jaz nimam časa za punco, ampak govoreča žaba je pa ful zakon!"
Par juznih
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 31 Mar 2006 at 07:46:17
Dođe jednog dana žena s posla i dere se na muža:
- Ti si nesposoban! I majka ti je nesposobna! I otac ti je
nesposoban! Čitava ti je obitelj nesposobna! Kada bi se održalo
takmičenje tko je najviše nesposoban, ti bi osvojio drugo mjesto.
Pita muž:
- A zašto drugo, zašto ne prvo?
- Zato što si nesposoban!
Kako se križaju programeri?
U ime Oca, Sina i Duha svetoga, Enter.
Sjede dva penzića na klupi u parku i pričaju:
- Jesi ponio kruh za golubove?
- Ne, ja ih jedem bez kruha.
Dodje Mujo na granicu i pita ga carinik:
- Alkohol?
- Ne!
- Cigarete?
- Ne!
- Kava?
- Eeeee, kava bi baš sjela...
Mujo pita Hasu:
- Ej, izgorila nam sijalica u kuhinji, da ju bacim?
- Nemoj, valjat će nam preko dana
Podstanar pokazuje vlasniku stana velike fleke na zidu i pita ga što
je to.
- Ovdje je prije vas stanovao jedan kemičar - objasnjava mu vlasnik
- i bavio se vrlo opasnim eksperimentima.
- Aha, to su kemikalije?
- Ne, to je kemičar!
Kaže učenica profesorici:
- Napisala sam pjesmu o seksu.
- Dobro, da čujemo.
- Ustanem rano, idem u školu, učim, malo se igram, opet učim, spavam
I sve tako...
- I dobro, a gdje je tu seks? - pita profesorica
- Pjesma se zove "Jebeš takav život"
Dođe lezbijka u policiju i hoće registrirati auto, te kaže murjaku:
- Molim vas, ja bi registrirala auto, ali pošto sam lezbijka htjela
bih imati roza tablice.
Na to će murjak:
- Ne može, svi moraju imati bijele!
- Je li, a kako onda pederi mogu imati plave?
Dođe policajac na posao u jednoj bijeloj i jednoj crnoj čarapi. U to
Naiđe načelnik i vidi čarape i kaže:
- Ajde bježi kući i zamjeni čarape!
A na to će policajac:
- Ma nema smisla načelniče, doma isto imam jednu bijelu i jednu crnu!
Dobro, kad ste počeli vjerovati da ste konj? -pita psihijatar
pacijenta.
- Davno, još dok sam bio ždrijebe.
Sjeli Srbin i Hrvat u kafić poslje rata i naručili piće, i kaže Hrvat:
- Ajmo razgovarat malo o lijepim stvarima, jebem ti politiku.
Na to će Srbin ljutito:
- Ma, jebem ja tebi Vjesnik!
Što je to 666999?
Zlo i naopako.
- Tataa! Tataa! Požar! Gori nam stan!
- Pa hajde onda, brzo van i ne deri se, da ne probudiš mamu!"
Uđe žena s malim djetetom u autobus. Vozač busa joj kaže:
- To je najružnije dijete što sam ikad vidio!
Žena sjedne u stražnji dio busa crvena od srdžbe, te kaže čovjeku do
sebe:
- Vozač me upravo uvrijedio!
A ovaj joj kaže:
- Idi naprijed i pošalji ga u p.m., ja ću ti pričuvati majmuna.
Raspravljaju se Adam i Eva.
Kaže Eva:
- Varaš me sa drugom ženom!!!
Na to će Adam:
- Jesi normalna, pa ti si jedina žena na svijetu!
Te noći Adama probudi ne baš ugodno Evino dodirivanje po prsima.
Pita nju Adam:
- Šta radiš, koji ti je?
- Brojim ti rebra!
Uče mama i tata svoje dijete da priča:
- Kako ide mačka?
- Mjau, mjau...
- Bravo! A kako ide pas?
- Vau, vau...
- Super! A kako ide miš?
- Klik, klik...
The Husband Store
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 24 Feb 2006 at 09:24:24
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the > entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A new wives store opened across the street:
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Glasovanje
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 20 Feb 2006 at 20:53:11
Glasujte za najlepšega in najboljšega člana skupine Skadenca:
Dekle 23 let, postavna, črni lasje, modre oči, izobražena, dobro situirana, nekadilka išče moškega do 30 let enakih lastnosti, ki bi mu prodala 10 kubikov bukovih drv.
Čuvam ženske otroke starosti od 18 - 28 let. Šifra: Babysitter
Prodam lepo padalo, nikoli odprto, enkrat rabljeno.
Iščem ukraden mercedes 600 SEL z aluminijastimi platišči, vrhunskim multi CD sistemom z bose ozvočenjem 800W. Najditelju lepa nagrada. Barva in registracija nista pomembni.
Iščem lepo, postavno, dobro situirano dekle z avtomobilom. Slika avtomobila zaželjena.
Prodam posteljo za ženo, ki je zložljiva.
Zaradi nepredvidenih razlogov združenje jasnovidcev odpoveduje sobotni sestanek.
Torkova gledališka matineja ta teden izjemoma ne bo v četrtek, ampak v soboto.
Posedujem veliku plantažu oraha. Traže se devojke za tucanje.
Citati dr. Ruglja
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 29 Jan 2006 at 09:33:19
... obenem mora oče negovati poseben erotični odnos s hčerko, ki si mora pridobiti za življenje odločilno izkušnjo, da je 'osvojila' očeta. Če ji to ni uspelo, je dosmrtna erotična pohabljenka.
Nujno je spoštovati dejstvo, da otroke vzgaja predvsem oče (ki je bil, je in bo reprezentant družbene realitete), mati pa pomaga možu pri vzgoji predvsem tako, da mu prikimava.
Jaz pravim, da ima vsaka sposobna punca od 17. leta naprej fanta, in vsak sposoben fant od 16. leta naprej punco. Kdor je nima, je nesposoben in mora na specialno usposabljanje!
Ce se na primer lepa ženska slece in razširi noge ter pokaže svoje mednožje, zasije lepota. Penetriranje v isto vagino je povsem nekaj drugega kot v smrdljivo rit. Treba je uporabljati natančne izraze, da se ve, kam homoseksualci spadajo. Drugace je z lezbijkami, saj se dvema lahko dejavno priključi en moški.
Ženska pri terapiji lahko uspe samo, če je lepa in bogata.(...) Če tega ni, se z njo nihce ne bo ukvarjal. Noben psihoterapevt v Sloveniji nima kakšnih muslimank na kavcu, zavoženih. Samo lepe pa bogate.
Podjetnik ne more vzeti ženske v službo kot enakovredne moškemu, saj so ženske dva dni v mesecu relativno neprištevne ...
"Se bom razgalila, ti jo nastavila. Jo boš imel, lahko jo gledaš, lahko masturbiraš, lahko si privošciš kunilingus, lahko pa me tudi pokavsaš." To mora ženska znati. Vse, kar je na svetu ustvarjenega, so ustvarili moški.
Normalen človek ne kadi, ker je to noro, ne pije prepogosto, telovadi, teče, planinari, veliko bere, piše, se ljubi, izobražuje, raste, juriša na ženske in tako naprej, če je pravi. Če je pezdetek, pa ne.
Mali oglasi
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 19 Jan 2006 at 07:35:24
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
* The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
* Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
* Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
* Man, honest. Will take anything.
* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
* UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
* 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
* Illiterate? Write today for free help.
* Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Priprave za smucanje
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 14 Jan 2006 at 18:45:14
- Dnevno namoci rokavice in jih shrani v zmrzovalnik po vsaki uporabi. Vzemi trak z mocno elastiko in si ga pritrdi na celo vsak vecer preden gres spat. Trak deluje, ce se zjutraj na celu dolgo pozna vzorcek.
- Ce nosis ocala, se jih splaca premazati s kako cim bolj motno zadevo, da se privadis na omejeno vidljivost. Posebno priporocamo delo z racunalnikom, tu so kondicijske priprave najuspesnejse.
- Vzemi 20 jurjev in jih skuri vsak dan kar tako. To zagotavlja ustrezno psihicno kondicijo.
- Priporocena je polurna hoja po ledu vsak dan, vendar je smiselna le, ce si oprtate 15kg nahrbtnik, svoje smucke in seveda smucke od otrok, ki jim v takih razmerah pac drsi. Vaja je ucinkovitejsa, ce vsakih 20 sekund izpustite in poberete smucko.
- Vsak dan se privajajte tudi smucarski obutvi. Na glezenj polozite kocko ledu in fino zategnite klipsne. Kak kilometer na dan na Planino in nazaj bo ravno prav.
- Kupite najboljse smucarske rokavice in takoj izgubite eno.
- Polozite nogo v vodoravni polo zaj na plocnik in prosite soseda, da vas z motorjem povozi vsake dva dni.
- Primerno poskodovani vzemite vso svojo smucarsko prtljago in pojdite v Novo ljubljansko banko. Prosimo, da vzdrzite v vrsti vsaj dve uri. Te vaje ne smete izpustiti.
- Na vrvico obesite kartoncek in trenirajte odpiranje in zapiranje zadrge z uklescenim kartonckom, tudi kak del tekstila bo cisto v redu. Prej popijte 2 litra odvajalnega caja in 2 pira. Zadrga pa mora biti na hlacah. Obvezno!
- Oblecite 3 krat na dan skoraj vse kar imate in se potem pojdite tusirat. Lahko se prej tudi slecete.
- Vzemite kladivo za tolcenje zrezkov in se dvakrat fino trescite po kolenih. Nikakor ne smete k zdravniku.
- Priporocamo intenzivnejso vadbo ob sobotah in nedeljah.
- Obstajajo tudi skrivnosti pravih profesionalcev, npr. podiranje dreves in visenje cez previs, vendar je to ze na meji pravega sportnega uzitka.
Holidays
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 24 Dec 2005 at 08:21:18
/ __'. .-"""-.
.-""-| | '.'. / .---. \
/ .--. \ \___\ \/ /____| |
/ / \ `-.-;-(`_),____.-'._
; ; `.-" "-:_,(o:==..`-. '. .-"-,
| | / \ / `\ `. \ / .-. \
\ \ | Y __...\ \ \ / / \/
/\ | | | .--""--.| .-' \ '.`---' /
\ \ / / |` \' _...--.; '---'`
\ '-' / /_..---.._ \ .'\\_ `.
`--'` .' (_) `'/ (_) /
`._ _.'| .'
``````` '-...--'`
VESEL BOZIČ IN SREČNO NOVO LETO 2006
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006
Nivoji anglescine
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 21 Dec 2005 at 21:06:02
Angleščina za začetnike: (for beginners)
Tri čarovnice gledajo tri Swatch ure. Katera čarovnica gleda katero Swatch uro ?
V angleščini to zveni tako:
Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which Swatch watch?
Angleščina za izkušene: (advanced english)
Tri čarovnice spremenjenega spola gledajo tri gumbe na Swatch uri. Katera čarovnica spremenjenega spola gleda kateri gumb Swatch ure ?
in to v angleščini :
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?
Angleščina v zadnjem stadiju: (pred pridobitvijo državljanstva)
Tri švicarske čarovnice kurbe, ki želijo biti spremenjenega spola, želijo gledati tri gumbe na švicarski Swatch uri. Katera švicarska čarovnica kurba, ki želi biti spremenjenega spola, želi gledati kateri gumb švicarske Swatch ure ?
in to še v angleščini:
Three swiss witch-bitches, which wish to be switched swiss witch-bitches, wish to watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?
Napijte Božička
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 16 Dec 2005 at 13:20:36
Ne dotikajte se tirov!
Uporabite tipke s puščicami, s katerimi boste Božička popeljali v pijanost.
107 Reasons why Beer is better than Women
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 15 Dec 2005 at 08:44:03
01. You can enjoy a BEER all month.
02. BEER stains wash out.
03. You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.
04. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
05. When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
06. BEER is never late.
07. HANGOVERS go away.
08. A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.
09. BEER labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.
11. BEER never has a headache.
12. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath.
14. If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
16. A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a BEER with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
19. A BEER is always wet.
20. BEER doesn't demand equality.
21. A BEER doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a BEER in public.
23. A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
24. You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.
25. BEER always comes in multiples of six.
26. BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER.
28. After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. BEER looks the same in the morning.
33. BEER doesn't look you up in a month.
34. BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. BEER doesn't get cramps.
37. BEER doesn't have a mother.
38. BEER doesn't have morals.
39. BEER doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. BEER always listens and never argues.
41. BEER labels don't go out of style every year.
42. BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. BEER doesn't demand legality.
45. BEER is never overweight.
46. If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. BEER won't run off with your credit cards.
48. BEER doesn't have a lawyer.
49. BEER doesn't need much closet space.
50. BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. BEER never changes its mind.
54. BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. BEER never asks you to change the station.
56. BEER doesn't make you go shopping.
57. BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
59. BEER is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.
61. BEER doesn't pout or play games.
62. BEER NEVER says no.
63. BEER is easy to get into.
64. BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs
66. BEER doesn't wear a bra.
67. BEER doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. BEER doesn't live with its mother.
71. BEER doesn't blow you off.
72. BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. BEER doesn't mind football season.
75. A BEER won't make you go to church.
76. A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A BEER doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other BEERs around.
80. A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials wit babies are "cute".
81. If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
83. A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
84. A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A BEER won't smoke in your car.
89. A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
90. A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
92. A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
93. A BEER never fishes for compliments.
94. Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. BEER tastes *good*.
96. If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape".
97. A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
98. An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
100. A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of it)
101. A BEER won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.
102. A BEER won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
103. A BEER will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
104. A BEER will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
105. A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
106. A BEER won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
107. When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesn't make you ill.
Če kdo ne ve na kater faks bi se vpisal ...
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 08 Dec 2005 at 09:05:10
Univerza na Primorskem razpisuje novo fakulteto :
Fakulteta za žurološke študije, program Žurološtvo, naziv uni. dipl. ing. žurologije.
Predmetnik:
1.Letnik:
- osnove sončenja
- analiza pitja 1
- osnove žuranja
- lenarjenje
- prva pomoč pri čezmernem uživanju opojnih substanc
- rucologija
Pogoj za vpis v drugi letnik je opravljena analiza pitja 1.
2.Letnik:
- analiza pitja 2
- trmarjenje
- temelji lagodnega življenja
- trdnost šankov
- druga pomoč pri čezmernem uživanju opojnih substanc
- mačkologija
- kazensko pravo
Pogoj za vpis v tretji letnik je opravljena dializa.
3.Letnik:
- višja trdnost šankov
- analiza pitja 3
- analiza in meritve osebkov ženskega spola
- analiza in meritve osebkov moškega spola
- teorija lokalnih cest
- analiza pitja 4
- osmičarstvo 1
- pitje
- petje in pecanje
- blazinarjenje
- patologija žurerskih organizmov
- spanje in počivanje
Pogoj za vpis v četrti letnik je potrdilo matičnega urada , da še živite.
4.Letnik:
- analiza pitja 5
- osmičarstvo 2
- geografija kontaktnega prostora
- strateška refoškologija
- krizni menedžment
- osnove urejanja kleti
- tigrologija ( višja mačkologija )
- primerjalna pijanost
- eksrundiranje
- analiza pitja 6
Diplomsko delo je praktične narave in izbirnega značaja, k njemu lahko pristopijo preživeli študentje po končanem četrtem letniku.
Napotki: Pogoj za vpis je opravljen sprejemni izpit, ki se razlikuje glede na psihično stanje predavatelja ( je pač tak kot je-bi-ga ). Za študij so potrebni jeklena volja in jetra, nekaj sreče in dosti časa.
Samo za linuxase
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 07 Dec 2005 at 08:21:55
who | grep -i blonde | talk ; cd ~ ; wine; unzip; touch; strip; gasp; finger; mount ; fschk; more; yes; unmount; make clean; sleep
Samo tebe draga ...
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 05 Dec 2005 at 06:34:40
Vprasa zena moza:
"Dragi, ali imas rajsi pametne ali lepe?"
"Ne ene, ne druge. Samo tebe, draga!" odgovori moz.
Žar
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 01 Dec 2005 at 14:49:46
ŽAR JE EDINA VRSTA PRIPRAVE HRANE, KI JO MOŽ POZNA IN IZGLEDA TAKO:
1.) Žena se odpravi v trgovino in kupi vse potrebno
2.) Žena naredi solato, zelenjavo in desert.
3.) Žena pripravi meso za žar, razporedi ga na pladenj in odnese do žara, kjer ga mož čaka in pije pivo.
4.) Mož razporedi meso na žaru.
5.) Žena odide v hišo za preveri zelenjavo in pripravi mizo.
6.) Žena pride ven in reče možu, da je meso že pečeno in da ga je potrebno odstraniti iz žara.
7.) Mož vzame meso iz žara in ga da ženi, da ga odnese.
8.) Žena postavi meso na mizo in ga servira.
9.) Vsi hvalijo moža, kako dobro je pekel na žaru in govorijo ženi, kako srečna je lahko s takšnim možem.
10.) Žena po večerji pospravi mizo in pomije posodo.
11.) Mož vpraša ženo, ali je zadovoljna, ker je imela “svobodni večer” in ko ga ona grdo pogleda izpod čela, on godrnja, da ima ženo, ki ni nikoli zadovoljna.
Definitions of METAL
(Archived)
Posted by Abysium
on 01 Dec 2005 at 14:43:44
Power metal:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon,
saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
Thrash metal:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her
Heavy metal:
The protagonist arrives on a harley davidson bike, kills the dragon, drinks
some beers and fucks the princess.
Folk metal:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordeons, violins, flutes
and many more instruments; the dragon falls asleep (by all the
dancing)...Then all leave; without the princess...
Viking metal:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe,
cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals the castle and burns
all the place before he leaves.
Death metal:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her,
then he leaves.
Black metal:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in
front of the castle...Then sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a
ritual before killing her...Then he impales the unvirgen princess.
Gore metal:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in the front
of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her...Then he fucks the dead
body, slashes her belly and eats her guts...Then he fucks the carcass for
the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
Doom metal:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that he
never could beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide...The
dragon eats his body and the princess as well (the end of a sad story).
Progressive metal:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes...The
dragon kills himself out of boredom...The protagonist arrives to the
princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all technics and tunes learned in
the last year of the conservatory...The princess escapes looking for the
heavy metal protagonist.
Glam metal:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs of the guy's appearance and lets
him enter...Then he steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the
castle in a beautiful pink color.
Grind metal:
The protagonist arrives, screams somthing completely undecipherable for
about 2 minutes and then leaves...
Industrial metal:
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures
towards the dragon and gets escorted out of the fairy tale land by security
guards.
NU-Metal
Protagonist arrives in pimpin' SUV and baggy pants. Dragon sees
protagonist's nose ring and snickers. Protagonist whines about bad childhood
where his beloved pet canary died and ever since he has been Broken, Numb,
Thoughtless and not Alive. Dragon gets highly annoyed and eats the
protagonist, Princess thanks Dragon.
METAL FOREVER!!!
Pomembnost ločil
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 29 Nov 2005 at 10:19:09
Nekoč je profesor angleškega jezika napisal na tablo:
"woman without her man is nothing" in zahteval od učencev, naj postavijo
ločila.
Moški so jih postavili takole: "woman, without her man, is nothing".
Ženske pa: " woman! without her, man is nothing"
Kdo je normalen ?
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 23 Nov 2005 at 13:12:55
Med obiskom na psihiatrični kliniki vpraša eden od obiskovalcev direktorja klinike, na osnovi česa se odločijo, koga bodo sprejeli na zdravljenje.
"Zelo enostavno je," pravi direktor. "Postavimo ga pred kad polno vode in mu damo čajno žličko, skodelico in vedro ter naročimo, naj kar najhitreje izprazni banjo."
"Že razumem, pravi obiskovalec. Tisti, ki je normalen, začne zajemati vodo z vedrom..."
"Ne," pravi direktor. "Tisti, ki je normalen, izvleče zamašek z dna kadi. Želite sobo z balkonom ali brez???"
Can you tell me the names of some of the places in Celje that sell alcohol. Pubs/Clubs and shops. This may seem like a strange request but it is important that these places buy extra supplies. In France 1998 during Scotlands visit to St Ettiene the town ran out of alcohol on more than one occasion. I think Celje is smaller and all too often when we travel to places they think that the purchase of an extra bottle of vodka will suffice and that they know best... until they run out of course. It may be easier if you pass this message on to them. It is also preferable to some people that bottled beer is bought by customers by the crate to save the hassle of queues developing. This is also a great opportunity for bars to make large profits.
Can you supply a separate list of bars/clubs/shops that are open 24hrs. Some fans may stay in a bar until the 0450hrs train leaves for Ljubljana. Of course some may prefer to get a later train if the bar is still open.
Oh and some of the bars will need to have extra staff. All too often we have fans behind the bar serving drinks because the locals haven't made proper staffing provision for our arrival. This is the largest travelling support in Europe. If you are in any doubt and need advice about what to expect please phone St Ettienne.
NEW - Voting system
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 16 Oct 2005 at 12:32:14
Each week there will be a new topic to vote about:
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses?
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.
Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)
Q: How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.
Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.
Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?
A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: The door won't close.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?
A: There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.
Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: By the footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.
Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A: Hold its trunk until it is blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge? A: Depends on the number of elephants.
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Opica opustila kajenje
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 05 Oct 2005 at 08:18:16
Neka samica šampanza je po šestnajstih letih aktivnega kajenja prenehala z razvado.
27-letna Ai Ai iz živalskega vrta Qinling Safari v provinci Shaanxi se je uspešno odvadila kajenja, potem ko so njeni skrbniki zanjo uvedli strogo terapijo, med drugim tudi s sprehodi po zajtrku, glasbeno terapijo in telovadbo po večerji.Poleg običajne hrane - mleka, banan in riža-, so se po besedah enega od skrbnikov na jedilniku Ai Ai znašle tudi pražene jedi. Skrbnik ji je tudi predvajal pop glasbo. "Prvih nekaj dni je samička občasno zahtevala cigarete, ker pa je njeno življenje iz dneva v dan postajalo bolj polno, je nanje počasi pozabila," je dodal skrbnik.Ai Ai je začela kaditi leta 1989, po smrti svojega prvega partnerja. Strastna kadilka je postala leta 1997, ko je umrl njen drugi partner, njeno hčerko pa so preselili v drugi živalski vrt. Ni znano, kdo je Ai Ai dal prvo cigareto niti kdo jo je oskrboval s cigaretami.
Najtežji slovenski stavek
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 28 Sep 2005 at 11:37:30
Iz Ježce čez cesto v Stožce je težko pešca sčistiti s cestišča s špohtlom.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Študije pa take
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 06 Sep 2005 at 07:12:03
According to studies, your sexual identity is revealed by the
first letter of your first name... what do you think?
A
You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in
action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get.
You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with
someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing.
You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that
counts, not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is
important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt"
invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much
more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around
advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary
concern.
B
You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You are very romantic,
idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer.
You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have
unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's saviour. You are
sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling
in love. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines.
You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual
fantasies.
C
You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to
have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You
must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and
after. You want the object of your affection to be socially
acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and
companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to
appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved,
you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual
activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing
without.
D
Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move
full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily.
You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns
you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in
your involvement's, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you
is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric
and unusual, having a free and open attitude.
E
Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good
listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be
intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You
need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bed mate. You hate
disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once
in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the
challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once
you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you
don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep
with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)
F
You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a
pedestal. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire
being into it. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate.
Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born
romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favourite fantasy pastime.
You can be a very generous lover.
G
You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your
lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or
superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous
and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you
work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that
is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take
precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting
emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close
sexually.
H
You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and your earning
ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have
attained a commitment.. Your gifts are actually an investment in
your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal
in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your
sexual involvement's. You are a sensual and patient lover.
I
You have a great need to be loved, appreciated ... even
worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the
flesh. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are fussy
and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing
to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore
easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more
sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.
J
You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love.
Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free
in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try
new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good
taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is
intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult
to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining,
and dining to know that you're being appreciated.
K
You are totally fucking marvellous!
L
You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy
to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover.
You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are
private in your expression of endearments and particular when it
comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with
your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex
if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are
willing to experiment. You fantasize and get turned on by movies
and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of
your sexual fantasies.
M
You are emotional and intense. You look for lovers who know what
they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that
amateur wants a tutor. You look for the very best mate you can
find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You
are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual
energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate. You
are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.
N
You are crap in bed.
O
You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and
shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual
energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have
extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate,
sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is
serious business; thus you demand intensity diversity, and are
willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to
possessiveness, which must be kept in check.
P
You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think
of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation.
Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner.
You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may
view your partner as your enemy...a good fight stimulates those
sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are
willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are
very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal
of physical gratification.
Q
You require constant activity and stimulation. You have
tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep
up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover
and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You
need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn
you on and keep you going.
R
You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need
someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual
equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a
great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness
is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner.
You are privately very sexy, but you do not bed, you are willing
to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding
playmate.
S
You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy,
sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in
intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When
it gets down to the nitty gritty, you are an expert. You know all
the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and
take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You
have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.
T
You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like
a partner who takes the lead. You get turned on by music, soft
lights and romantic thoughts. You fantasize, but do not tend to
fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic,
idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your
senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You
are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your
dreams, often times all in your own head.
U
You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in
love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to
adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need
adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential
relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate
looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant
gratification. You believe in total sexual freedom.
V
You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and
excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing
yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need
to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted
to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you
and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The
gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a
participant.
W
You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an
answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic,
idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your
partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of
yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your
lover. You enjoy playing love games.
X
You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can
handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't
shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the
greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.
Y
You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have
it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control
your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You
respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours
just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend
your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the
flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your
partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your
performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bed mate.
Z
For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way
bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very
hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically
idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you
never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and
cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that
matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.
Safety first
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 03 Sep 2005 at 11:57:24
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He
stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil,
then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a
goose.
Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The
livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a fair young lady. She told him she was lost,
and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my
brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down
this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".
The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and
ravish me?"
The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a
goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the
wall and do that?"
The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the
goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
Na stevilko za pomoc pri racunalniskih zagatah, na kateri se vsi pogovori snemajo, je poklical uporabnik, pogovor med njim in usluzbencem, ki naj bi mu telefonu svetoval, pa je privedel do tega, da so usluzbenca na koncu odpustili.
- Tukaj je Ridge Hall racunalniska pomoc. Zelite?
- Tezave imam z WorldPerfectom.
- Kaksne tezave pa?
- Med pisanjem mi je nenadoma izginil ves tekst.
- Zginil?
- Ja, ni ga vec.
- Hmm. Kaksen je sedaj vas ekran?
- Prazen.
- Prazen?
- Ja, nic na njem ne reagira, ce pritisnem na tipke.
- Ste se vedno v programu WorldPerfect ali ste ga zapustili?
- Kako naj to vem?
- Ali vidite na ekranu C: prompt?
- Kaj pa to pomeni?
- Pustiva to. Lahko premikate kurzor po ekranu?
- Nobenega kurzorja ni, povedal sem vam, da racunalnik ne reagira na nobeno tipko.
- Ali ima vas monitor kontrolno lucko za tok?
- Kaj je to monitor?
- Zadeva z ekranom, ki je videti kot TV sprejemnik. Ima majhno lucko, ki vam pove, ali je racunalnik prizgan.
- Ne vem.
- Prav, poglejte na zadnjo stran monitorja in najdite, kje vstopa prikljucni kabel v monitor. Ste nasli?
- Ja, mislim, da sem.
- Krasno. Sledite kablu do vtikaca in mi povejte, ali je vtaknjen v steno.
- Da, je.
- Ko ste bili za monitorjem, ste opazili, da sta bila tam dva kabla, ne le eden?
- Ne.
- Pa sta. Poglejte se enkrat in najdite se drugi kabel.
- Prav, tu je.
- Sledite mu in mi povejte, ali je dobro vtaknjen v monitor.
- Ne dosezem ga.
- Uh, huh. Morda pa vidite, ce je?
- Ne.
- Bi videli, ce bi pokleknili in se malo nagnili?
- Ne morem, ker je tema.
- Tema?
- Da. V pisarni ni luci, nekaj svetlobe prihaja le skozi okna.
- Pa prizgite luc.
- Ne morem.
- Zakaj pa ne morete?
- Ker je zmanjkalo toka.
- Toka je zmanjkalo? Aha, zdaj pa veva v cem je problem. Se imate skatle, v katere je bil racunalnik zapakiran?
- Ja, v omari jih imam.
- Prav. Vzemite jih ven. Potegnite vtikac iz monitorja, vse skupaj zapakirate tako kot je bilo in nesite nazaj v trgovino, kjer ste kupil racunalnik.
- Je tako resno?
- Bojim se, da je.
- Kaj pa naj jim recem?
- Da ste prebutasti, da bi imeli racunalnik!!!
Zvarovalni obrazci
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 27 Aug 2005 at 14:15:27
To so izjave, ki so bile napisane na prave obrazce za zavarovalnico:
1. Ko sem prišla domov, sem zapeljala na dvorišče napačne hiše in se zabila v drevo, ki ga doma nimamo.
2. Drugi avto se je zaletel v mojega ne da bi me prej opozoril.
3. Mislil sem, da je bilo okno spuščeno, ampak sem opazil, da je bilo dvignjeno, ko sem dal skozenj mojo glavo.
4. Zaletel sem se s parkiranim kamijonom, ki je prihajal z druge strani.
5. Kamijon se je zabil skozi moje stransko okno v obraz moje žene.
6. Pešec se je zaletel vame in se spravil pod moj avto.
7. Nek tip je bil povsod po cesti in sem moral večkrat obrniti volan preden sem ga zadel.
8. Odpeljal sem na rob ceste, počistil svojo taščo in se odpravil do naslednje postaje, peš.
9. Poskusil sem ubiti muho in sem odpeljal v drog telefona.
10. Ves dan sem nakupovala rastline in sem bila na poti domov. Ko sem prišla do križišča je en grm padel predme in nisem videla drugega avtomobila.
11. Vozil sem štirideset let, ko sem zaspal za volanom in mel eno nesrečo.
12. Bila sem na poti k doktorju zaradi zadnjičnih problemov, moje umetno koleno je popustilo in sem imela nesrečo.
13. Ko sem prišel do križišča, se je tam nenadno prikazal znak, ki se ni še nikoli prej tam prikazal. Nisem se mogel ustaviti, zato sem imel nesrečo.
14. Da se ne bi zabil v odbijač avtomobila pred mano, sem zadel pešca.
15. Moj avtomobil je bil pravilno parkiran, ko je zadel v drugo vozilo.
16. Neviden avtomobil je prišel iz nikoder, zadel v moj avto in izginil.
17. Povedal sem policiji, da nisem bil poškodovan, vendar ko sem snel klobuk, sem opazil, da je bila moja lobanja počena.
18. Bil sem prepričan, da starec ne bo nikoli prišel na drugo stran ceste, ko sem zadel vanj.
19. Pešec ni vedel v katero smer naj steče, zato sem zapeljala čezenj.
20. Videla sem počasno premikajočega se, žalostnega starega gospoda, ko se je odbil od haube mojega avtomobila.
21. Posredni razlog nesreče je bil majhen tip v majhen avtomobilu z velikimi ustmi.
22. Vrglo me je iz avtomobila, ko je ta zapustil cesto. Našlo me je nekaj psov v bližnjih smetnjakih.
23. Telefonski drog se je približeval. Poskušala sem se mu odmakniti, ko je nenadno zadel v sprednji del mojega avtomobila.
No Border Jam 2005
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 25 Aug 2005 at 19:29:48
Labirint
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 24 Aug 2005 at 09:10:12
Par nesramnih
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 21 Aug 2005 at 07:32:12
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never
believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't
help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not
here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given
me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was
before this!"
"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas
card!!!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like
you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it
again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with
breasts that are bigger than mine."
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened,
especially since you survived."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!
"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you
decide to ruin your life!"
"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While
I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now
that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"Just remember... Jesus Loves You - Everyone else thinks you're a
jerk!"
"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your
family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in
with my sister, you cheating bastard!"
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best
friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we call it
quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"If you ever need a friend, buy a dog."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out
who the father was?"
"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you
very much."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
Rdeči kapici je mati nekega dne akreditirala transport viktuarij za babico, ki je bila zaradi starosti anemična in je le redko zapuščala svoj domicil. Brez asistence je Rdeča Kapica odskakljala v obskuren gozd, ko se je pred njo nenadoma pojavil volk, ki je do tedaj latenten čakal za enormno smreko. Rdeča kapica, ki ni vedela, da je volk tako maligen, se ni prav nič deranzirala.
"Kam pa kam, Rdeča Kapica?" jo je dolozno intervjual volk.
"Babici, ki rezidira nedaleč od tu, nesem kolacijo!", je respektno replicirala Rdeča Kapica.
"Poglej," ji je aludiral volk, ki je komaj krotil svojo sitomanijo, koliko rožic florira tukaj! Ne boš se dosti retardirala, če jih nekaj kolektiraš za babico!"
Rdeča Kapica, ki je ob volkovem intrigantskem incitiranju pozabila na materin konzilij, da naj bo v gozdu kar se da providentna, se je takoj agilno lotila akumuliranja rožic. Hipokritski volk je medtem rapidno stekel so babičine koče, skočil v sobo in konzumiral frapirano babico. Oblekel je njen neglize in se lociraal v posteljo, da počaka na Rdečo Kapico. Ta je z minorno retardacijo res prišla. Nekaj časa je skrutinirala kamufliranega volka, potem pa rekla: "Babica, zakaj imaš tako enormne okularje?"
"Da te bolje vizualno percipiram!" je emfatično povedal volk.
"Zakaj imaš tako bizarna ušesa?"
"Zaradi optimalnejše avdio percepcije" je še bolj precizno artikuliral volk.
"In zakaj imaš tako enormno palatoshizo?"
"Zato, da te laže konzumiram!" je z monstruoznim glasom odrecitiral volk in huronsko atakiral Rdečo Kapico.
Po tem amoralnem aktu se je retardiral v posteljo in med kakofoničnim smrčanjem zaspal. Lovcu, ki je pasiral babičino hišico, so se groteskni glasovi iz njene rezidence zdeli suspektni. Rezulotno je vstopil v babičino sobo in takoj konstatiral, da je volk konzumiral babico in Rdečo kapico. Iz volkovega voluminoznega trebuha so namreč prihajali morbidni klici na pomoč. Z robustnim udarcem je dezaktiviral volka in mu z drastičnim nožem naredil vivisekcijo. Iz abdomena sta prilezli babica in Rdeča kapica, obe intaktni. Skupaj z lovcem sta potem interpolirali kamenje v prazen volkov želodec in mu ga zašili. Volka je zaradi gastrolitov kmalu popadla hidromanija in ves adinamičen se je splazil do vodnjaka. Ko se je dekliniral čez rob vodnjaka, je zaradi balasta v trebuhu izgubil balanso in zgrmel v vodo. Babica, lovec in Rdeča kapica so se eksultirajoč objeli in si sklamirali ob solviranju pred malevolentnim volkom.
No Border Jam Festival 2005
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 11 Aug 2005 at 14:59:14
26. in 27. avgusta, 2005 se bo v mariborski Pekarni zopet odvijal festival No Border Jam.
26. 8.2005
-----------------
CONFUSION
STRONGBOW
Golliwog
The Eccos
Anus
Scheinheilig
4 Sivits
Carina
27.8. 2005
----------------
Rentokill
Harry
Bakterije
Bez panike
Final aproach
RUN TIME ERROR
Pridigarji
KUD Idijoti
Kaj si rekla draga
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 09 Aug 2005 at 08:06:51
Ženske moške pogosto obtožujejo, da jih ne slišijo, vendar pa imajo moški sedaj za to opravičilo.
Moški težje slišijo ženske glasove kot glasove moških
Raziskava, ki so jo opravili v Veliki Britaniji, njene rezultate pa je objavil časnik Daily Mail, je namreč pokazala, da moški težje slišijo ženske glasove kot glasove drugih moških. Možgani se namreč različno odzivajo na glasove moških in žensk. Moške glasove zaznavajo na preprost način, ženske pa s pomočjo tistega dela, ki je odgovoren za zaznavanje glasbe.
Raziskovalci so pojasnili, da je ženski glas bolj kompleksen od moškega, in sicer zaradi razlik v obliki in velikosti glasilk ter žrela med spoloma, pa tudi zaradi tega, ker je v ženskem glasu več "naravne melodije". Zaradi tega je v ženskem glasu širši razpon frekvenc.
Avtorji poročila dodajajo, da je to tudi razlaga, zakaj ljudje, ki imajo prisluhe, navadno slišijo moške glasove. Možgani si namreč lažje izmislijo preprostejše moške glasove.
Poem about colored people
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 08 Aug 2005 at 06:47:16
A poem written by an African Shakespeare
Dear white fella,
Couple things you should know:
When I was born, I black
When I grow up, I black,
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black,
And when I die, I still black.
You, white fella,
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey.
And you have the fucking nerve to call me colored?
OSNOVE!!!!
(Archived)
Posted by basinc
on 07 Aug 2005 at 18:31:37
Sherlock Holmes in dr. Watson gresta na taborjenje, postavita šotor
ter
kmalu zaspita. Čez nekaj ur Holmes zbudi svojega zvestega
prijatelja:
"Watson, poglej v nebo in mi povej kaj vidiš!"
Watson odgovori: "Vidim na milijone zvezd."
"In kaj ti to pove?"
Watson se za nekaj časa globoko zamisli: "Astronomsko mi pove, da
obstaja na
milijone galaksij in verjetno na bilijone planetov, astrološko, da
je Saturn
v znamenju Leva, časovno, da je ura približno četrt na eno zjutraj,
teološko, da je očitno Gospod vsemogočen in da smo mi majhni in
nepomembni,
meteorološko pa, da bova imela lep dan. Kaj pa tebi pove?"
Holmes za trenutek pomolči in nato reče: "Osnove, moj dragi Watson,
osnove!
Nekdo nama je ukradel šotor!"
Neurejene družinske razmere
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 01 Aug 2005 at 18:17:05
Tole je resnično pismo, s katerim se je nekdo hotel izogniti služenju vojaškega roka v Italiji:
Spoštovani gospod obrambni minister!
Dovolite mi, da vam razložim nekaj stvari, ki jih boste upam da kmalu rešili. Trenutno sem na čakanju za vpoklic v vojaški sestav italijanske vojske. Star sem 24 let in sem poročen z 44-letno vdovo, ki ima 25-letno hčerko. To hčerko je oženil moj oče. Tako je oče postal moj zet, ker je oženil hčerko moje žene. Hkrati pa je hčerka moje žene postala moja mačeha, ker se je oženila z mojim očetom. Januarja sva z ženo dobila sina. Ta otrok je brat od očetove žene, torej je svak mojega očeta. Hkrati je tudi moj stric, ker je brat moje mačehe, se pravi moj sin je hkrati moj stric. Dva meseca kasneje je žena mojega očeta dobila sina, ki je hkrati moj brat, saj je sin mojega očeta, hkrati pa tudi moj vnuk, saj je sin od ženine hčerke. Torej sem jaz brat od mojega vnuka in ker je mož matere neke osebe tudi oče, sledi iz tega, da sem oče hčerke moje žene in brat njenega sina. Torej sem jaz svoj lastni dedek. Po tej obrazložitvi, spoštovani gospod minister, vas prosim, da me osvobodite vojaške obveznosti, saj zakon pravi, da oče, sin in vnuk ne morejo hkrati služiti vojaški rok. Prosim za razumevanje in na ugodno rešitev!
(V aktih tega mladeniča je pisalo: Oseba je razrešena vojaške dolžnosti zaradi psihičnih motenj in mentalnih instabilnosti, ki so posledica neurejenih družinskih razmer)
NEW - Edit/Remove your message board posts
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 31 Jul 2005 at 19:57:12
Registered users can now edit or remove their own message board posts (just login and select MESSAGES in the folder selector).
P.S. MESSAGES only displays posts that were created using your username !!!
NEW - Page adapts to match screen resolution
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 25 Jul 2005 at 18:05:17
Page was written for resolution 1024 x 768 but now adapts for higher and lower resolution (if you change screen resolution just click refresh button).
Primerjalne religije
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 25 Jul 2005 at 06:46:52
TAOSIM
Shit happens.
BUDDHISM
If shit happens, it's not really shit.
ISLAM
If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
PROTESTANTISM
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
JUDAISM
Why does this shit always happen to us?
HINDUISM
This shit happened before.
CATHOLICISM
Shit happens because you're bad.
HARE KRISHNA
Shit happens rama rama!
TV EVANGELISM
Send more shit!
ATHEISM
No shit!
JEHOVA'S WITNESS
Let me in and I'll tell you why shit happens.
HEDONISM
There's nothing like a good piece of shit.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE
Shit happens in your mind.
AGNOSTICISM
Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
EXISTENTIALISM
What is shit anyway?
STOICISM
This shit doesn't bother me.
RASTAFARIANISM
Let's smoke this shit!
Stvari, ki se jih naucimo iz ameriskih filmov
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 18 Jul 2005 at 21:25:03
1. Velika in luksuzna stanovanja v New Yorku si lahko privoscijo skoraj vsi, ne glede na to ali so zaposleni ali ne.
2. Vsaj eden od identicnih dvojckov je rojen zloben.
3. Ce morate izkljuciti bombo, ne skrbite, katero zicko morate prerezati. Vedno boste izbrali pravo.
4. Vecina domacih racunalnikov je dovolj mocna, da prekosi napadalne vesoljske skupine.
5. Ni vazno, ce si vpleten v pretep z mnozico orjakov, ki obvladajo borilne vescine. Tvoji sovrazniki bodo mirno cakali, da bos pretepel vsakega posebej.
6. Ko zvecer, preden gres v posteljo, ugasnes luci, je v tvoji sobi se vedno vse dobro vidno, le malo modrikasto.
7. Ce je zenska blond in lepa, je mozno, da postane nuklearni fizik pri 22-ih letih.
8. Posteni in delavni policaji vedno umrejo v strelskem obracunu tri dni pred upokojitvijo.
9. Raje kot da bi trosili metke, se sovrazniki vedno raje odlocijo za komplicirano masinerijo z vzigalniki, skripci, smrtonosnimi plini, laserji in ljudozerskimi morskimi psi, ki omogocijo ujetnikom najmanj 20 minut da pobegnejo.
10. Vse postelje imajo posebno oblikovane rjuhe v crki L. Zenskam segajo do podpazduhe, moske, ki lezijo poleg, pa pokrijejo do pasu.
11. Vse nakupovalne vrecke vsebujejo vsaj eno francosko struco.
12. Za vsakogar je lahko pristati letalo, samo ce je v kontrolnem stolpu nekdo, ki ti bo dajal navodila.
13. Po enkratnem nanosu se make-up ne bo nikdar odstranil - niti takrat ne, ko se greste potapljat.
14. Skoraj zagotovo boste preziveli katerokoli bitko, razen ce niste naredili te napake, da ste pokazali sliko svoje drage.
15. Ce si zelite odigrati vlogo ruskega ali nemskega oficirja, vam ni potrebno znati ruscine ali nemscine. Naglas bo zadostoval.
16. Eifflov stolp je viden iz kateregakoli okna v Parizu.
17. Moski bo prenesel vse bolecine v najhujsih bitkah, ko pa mu bo zenska spirala rane, bo cvilil.
18. Ce je vidna velika steklena povrsina, bo prej ali slej nekdo letel skozi.
19. Ce je zenska sama v tesnobni in grozljivi hisi, bo odsla raziskovat v spodnjem perilu, ki veliko razkriva.
20. Word procesor nikoli ne pokaze kurzorja na ekranu, vedno se izpise "Vpisite geslo".
21. Tudi ce se vozite po popolnoma ravni cesti, morate vsake toliko obrniti volan malce na levo ali desno.
22. Vse bombe so opremljene z elektronsko casovno napravo z velikimi rdecimi stevilkami, tako da tocno vemo, kdaj bo eksplodirala.
23. Ce se odlocite, da boste plesali na cesti, bodo vsi okoli vas znali korake.
24. Policijske postaje testirajo svoje zaposlene z osebnostnimi testi, zato da sta v paru vedno dva policaja, ki sta si popolno nasprotje.
25. Tudi kadar so sami, se vsi tuji vojaski oficirji pogovarjajo v anglescini.
26. Detektiv lahko resi problem le takrat, kadar je suspendiran.
The Great European Dream The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish. In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a dterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v." During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou," and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
NEW - Attach uploaded file to message
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 06 Jul 2005 at 17:39:22
After you upload a file in the upload section you can now attach it to your message
Best of luck
Diploma v 2 tednih ???
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 02 Jul 2005 at 19:34:19
Tole pa bi blo nekaj za nas ...
15. Obletnica KAK Unterhund
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 01 Jul 2005 at 17:32:34
Vsi zeljni glasbe skupine Orkester Selotejp in podobnih ...
Trenutno ne obstaja se nic podobnega vendar je to stran v izgradnji in upostevajo se (v vecini) vse pobude
to teh webmasta
(Archived)
Posted by Abysium
on 01 Jul 2005 at 12:48:45
...crt...
obstaja mogoce kksna moznost moderiranja lastnih objav tuki? kksn gumbek ala delete/edit?
just a suggestion...
fredy...
(Archived)
Posted by Abysium
on 01 Jul 2005 at 12:46:21
ko ze mislis da je pocasi ze vsega konec....
(new file uploaded)
yay fredy...
Naša draga afna
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 26 Jun 2005 at 21:39:31
The @ symbol has been a central part of the Internet and its forerunners ever since it was chosen to be a separator in e-mail addresses by Ray Tomlinson in 1972. From puzzled comments which surface from time to time in various newsgroups, it appears the biggest problem for many Net users is deciding what to call it. This is perhaps unsurprising, as outside the narrow limits of bookkeeping, invoicing and related areas few people use it regularly. Even fewer ever have to find a name for it, so it’s noted mentally as something like “that letter a with the curly line round it”.
Its use in business actually goes back to late medieval times. An Italian academic, Giorgio Stabile, a professor of the history of science at La Sapienza University, claimed recently to have found evidence of its use in the records of Florentine merchants nearly 500 years ago. At that time, it was either a unit of weight or of volume, representing one amphora, a measure that was based on the capacity of the standard terracotta jars that were then employed to transport grain and liquid about the Mediterranean (the capacity of an amphora was one thirtieth of a barrel). The sign was a handwritten letter A (for amphora), embellished in the typical Florentine script.
Previously, the symbol had been thought to be a contraction for the Latin word ad, meaning “to, toward, at”; it was thought that in cursive writing the upright stroke of the d had curved over to the left and extended around the a so that eventually the lower part fused with the a to form one symbol.
Whatever its source, in northern Europe the symbol seems to have soon adopted its modern sense of “at the price of”. It was used in accounts or invoices to give the unit price of something (“3 yds of lace for my lady @ 1/4d a yard”).
Because business employed it, it was put on typewriter keyboards from about 1880 onwards, though it is very noticeable that the designers of several of the early machines didn’t think it important enough to include it (neither the Sholes keyboard of 1873 nor the early Caligraph one had it, giving preference to the ampersand instead). Later it became part of the standard keyboard set and it was carried over to the standard computer character sets of EBCDIC and ASCII in the sixties. From there, and especially because of its ubiquity in the Internet, it has spread out across the networked world, perforce even into language groups such as Arabic, Tamil or Japanese which do not use the Latin alphabet.
A discussion on the LINGUIST discussion list about names for @ in various languages produced an enormous response, from which most of the facts which follow are drawn. Some have just transliterated the English name “commercial at” or “at” into the local language. What is interesting is that nearly all the languages cited have developed colloquial names for it which have food or animal references.
In German, it is frequently called Klammeraffe, “spider monkey” (you can imagine the monkey’s tail), though this word also has a figurative sense very similar to that of the English “leech” (“He grips like a leech”). Danish has grisehale, “pig’s tail” (as does Norwegian), but more often calls it snabel a, “a (with an) elephant’s trunk”, as does Swedish, where it is the name recommended by the Swedish Language Board. Dutch has apestaart or apestaartje, “(little) monkey’s tail” (the “je” is a diminutive); this turns up in Friesian as apesturtsje and in Finnish in the form apinanhanta. Finnish also has kissanhäntä, “cat’s tail” and, most wonderfully, miukumauku, “the miaow sign”. In Hungarian it is kukac, “worm; maggot”, in Russian “little dog”, in Serbian majmun, “monkey”, with a similar term in Bulgarian. Both Spanish and Portuguese have arroba, which derives from a unit of weight or volume that Professor Stabile suggests is closely related to that of the amphora—25lb weight (just over 11kg) or six Imperial gallons (nearly 23 litres). In Thai, the name translates as “the wiggling worm-like character”. Czechs often call it zavináč which is a rolled-up herring or rollmop; the most-used Hebrew term is strudel, from the famous Viennese rolled-up apple sweet. Another common Swedish name is kanelbulle, “cinnamon bun”, which is rolled up in a similar way.
The most curious usage, because it seems to have spread furthest from its origins, whatever they are, is snail. The French have called it escargot for a long time (though more formal terms are arobase or a commercial), but the term is also common in Italian (chiocciola), and has recently appeared in Hebrew (shablul), Korean (dalphaengi) and Esperanto (heliko).
In English the name of the sign seems to be most commonly given as at or, more fully, commercial at, which is the official name given to it in the international standard character sets. Other names include whirlpool (from its use in the joke computer language INTERCAL) and fetch (from FORTH), but these are much less common. A couple of the international names have come over into English: snail is fairly frequently used; more surprisingly, so is snabel from Danish.
Even so, as far as English is concerned at is likely to remain the standard name for the symbol. But there is plenty of evidence that the sign itself has moved out from the Internet to printed publications. For a while it seemed likely to become a standard signal for the Internet, though the popularity of e- compounds seems to have set that trend back somewhat.
Quite a history for a modest little symbol ...
Kam investirati ?
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 24 Jun 2005 at 17:08:06
Za primerjavo:
Ce ste lani kupili za 1000 evrov delnic Norter Networks bi danes imeli 59 evrov.
Ce ste lani kupili za 1000 evrov delnic Lucent Technologies bi danes imeli 70 evrov.
Ce ste lani kupili za 1000 evrov delnic Alcatela bi danes imeli 170 evrov.
Ce ste lani kupili za 1000 evrov steklenic piva in bi jih do danes ze vse izpraznili, bi za prazne steklenice dobili 380 evrov.
Kam torej investirati?
Logično
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 23 Jun 2005 at 05:49:20
Nahajaš se v puščavi, v roki imas eno jabolko, pred tabo pa je lev. Kako prideš v takšni situaciji v Rim?
Vržeš jabolko. Ker jabolko ne pade daleč od drevesa, je seveda takoj zraven drevo. Splezaš na drevo in tako te lev ne more pojesti. Ker te lev ne more pojesti in si rešen, se ti odvali kamen s srca. Kamen pade levu na glavo in ga ubije. Stopiš z drevesa, rešen si nevarnosti pred levom, zato si sedaj na konju. S konjem kreneš na pot, ker pa vse poti vodijo v Rim si kmalu tam.
Grafiti
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 10 Jun 2005 at 18:32:01
* Žena je za mene zakon.. Uh, što volim rupe u zakonu!
* Zašto je Bog izmislio alkohol? Da ružne ne ostanu djevice.
* Dobra vila mi je ispunila dvije želje. Treči put nisam mog'o...
* U seksualnoj revoluciji prokrvare samo nevini.
* Oralni sex je stvar ukusa !
* Infarkt: kakav je da je - od srca je.
* Newton laže. Lake padaju brže.
* Neki piju od sreče, neki od tuge, a neki od jutra.
* Vrhunac gluposti je, kada ti rodjeni otac objašnjava, da si postao od majmuna.
* Niko nije beskoristan. Svako može poslužiti kao loš primjer.
Svizec
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 05 Jun 2005 at 17:13:24
MOŠKA IZJAVA TEDNA
(Archived)
Posted by Marko
on 05 Jun 2005 at 15:41:55
Kdo razume ženske?? Delajo si pirsinge, tatooje po celem telesu, liftinge, delajo si carske reze in liposukcije, v ustnice si injektirajo silikon, si operirajo prsa, se depilirajo z vročim voskom in pulijo obrvi. In ti ne dajo v rit, ker jih to BOLI!!
Ja sm šel preverit samo prvo stran in mi ni jasno, kaj je na ostalih, ker se mi zdi že na prvi preveč. Tale Dictionary jih ma 8 kar se men zdi cist dost
P.S. Aja mal sem še popravil linke, tako da tut tiste ki se začnejo z www sprejme in ne samo http ali ftp.
One lovely evening, the detective Sherlock Holmes and his trusty
friend Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After having dinner and
drinking a few glasses of wine, they became tired and went to
sleep. A couple hours passed and Sherlock Holmes awoke, and
shortly thereafter woke Dr. Watson as well. He said, "Watson,
look up, and tell me what you see."
Dr. Watson replied, "Well, sir, I see millions of stars in the
sky."
Sherlock Holmes asked, "And what does that tell you?"
Dr. Watson paused for a moment and said, "Well, astronomically it
tells me that there are billions of stars and possibly millions
of galaxies in the universe. Astrologically, it tells me that
Saturn is in Leo. Horalogically I can deduce that it is
approximately quarter past three in the morning. Theologically it
symbolizes that God is magnificent and that we humans are small
and insignificant in the universe. And meteorologically, I
suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
To which Sherlock Holmes replied, "No, stupid! Someone has stolen
our tent!"
js sm pa nov
(Archived)
Posted by basinc
on 26 May 2005 at 15:56:13
sm nov to je pa tud vse. Pa grem zdej za tri mesce v anglijo tko da bom pol mal starejši k se vrnem. Ja nč to je to upam da bom pogrešan novinec. Ajde dobr ga srfite še naprej.
Luce
(Archived)
Posted by Miran
on 25 May 2005 at 16:28:35
Mojster
Selitev
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 07 May 2005 at 23:23:40
Moj streznik se je sedaj preselil na Linux.
Viva la France
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 23 Apr 2005 at 21:54:22
I'll be away for a week in France so don't expect anything from me till then ...
See ya soon
Legalna Kopija
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 05 Apr 2005 at 09:53:03
"Klingons just decloaked off our port side!"
"Raise Shields!"
"I can't captain, the computer won't allow it until it finishes contacting Redmond
to make sure our operating system is a legal copy!"
Vecjezikovni tekst
(Archived)
Posted by Crt
on 04 Apr 2005 at 18:02:07
Nacht. Regen gehen. Zwei Partizanen gehen skroz suma. Nicht gehen sondern plazen se pazljivo und lomen keine Grancica auf den podn. Schwaben sleden Partizanen. Schwaben haben Pesen und gute Schnellschiesgewehr. Pesen snofen auf den Podn un sleden Partizanen. Partizanen kommen do Kukuruzen. Kukuruzen gut fur schlafen und Partizanen umorni ko Majka. Partizanen malo horen okoli was desaven und dann in Kukuruzen zaschlafen. Das nicht gut fur Partizanen aber gut fur Schwaben. Kuku lele Partizanen! Schwaben kommen do Kukuruzen. Pesen divje snofen und Schwaben gut wissen wo Partizanen in Kukuruzen schlafen. Partizanen i dalje schlafen ko Majka und ni slucajno ne hA*ren Schwaben plazen prema njima. Odjedamput eine Kukuruzen poken unten Schwaben und Partizanen se odmah wecken. Sie zgraben Schisgewehr aber Schwaben Schnellschisgewehr viel besser. Schwaben ofen feuer direkt po Partizanen und Partizanen auch beginnen verderben neprijateljsku zivu silu i tehniA*ki materialna sredstava. Aber Schwaben pobeden.
